I have always been attracted to the concept of love. Even in my childhood years, I constantly looked for more love. I always felt that there was something lacking. I had wonderful parents and a very loving family yet I felt as if something somewhere was missing from my life.

I grew up with lots of friends but still experienced loneliness. Then I got into a relationship when I was around 19. I was happy and it felt as if I had finally got what I was missing out on. The initial 1-2 years were lovely with lots of good times, fun and closeness. We had sex almost every other day and I felt like I was on cloud 9. But as time passed we started having problems.

He was very possessive and very dominating. I had to live with the constant fear about what would piss him off lest we started fighting again. But then I was a very calm and quiet person. Hence, I always gave up because I didn’t want to continue with the fight any further. So I would ask for forgiveness even when it was not my fault at all.

After we got done with our graduation, we had to leave the place in search of a job. Bangalore it was. And here in Bangalore all my nightmares seemed to be waiting for me. He got a job and I was sitting idle. I was very happy for him. More so because now in a year or so we could finally make our relationship official. But unfortunately, before that could happen, we broke up.

He stopped giving me any attention, stopped meeting me and even stopped talking to me. All this happened because I didn’t like the fact that he was getting so close to a particular girl in his office.

He started hiding stuff, deleted chat histories and did all sorts of other stuff which was not healthy for our relationship. This made me lose my mind. I started losing consciousness and got into depression.

Somehow I was able to get a job. And now I was happy. I loved the new beginning, the professional life and my new friends. Thus began the end my relationship with my then boyfriend. I used to travel for 20–30 kms just to see him and he didn’t care. I eventually distanced myself from him and got closer to a guy who showed me a lot of concern and care. I wanted this from my boyfriend.

So the day I was supposed to leave the city for my hometown, my boyfriend and I decided to meet and spend the complete day together. And although I was there with him, I felt something was missing.

I was with the man whom I loved so much and that too after some really difficult times. We were finally spending some quality time with each other. But all that was there in my mind was my friend from my workplace. I missed him because I got the love and the care that I wanted from my boyfriend, from him.

Now I badly wanted to be with him. I sent a text message to my friend. My boyfriend read this by snatching away the phone from me and there it was. We fought and he got aggressive, I couldn't tell what he did to anyone. And after I left the city, it was almost like I was leaving my boyfriend behind forever.

He tried to get back several times but I was done. I was drained of emotions and the love that I had for him.

So I decided to stay single and live happily. But that too didn’t last for long. I met a person after around 1.5 years after my breakup at a family function. I could say he was a long lost obsession of mine. I was a kid at that time. It felt awesome meeting him after around 15-16 long years of separation.

He was 7 years older than me but the affection and the attraction rushed back again. He was married then. So I had decided to keep my feelings to myself. But fortunately or unfortunately, towards the end of the function, I got to know that he was heading for a divorce. He had been staying separately from his wife.

I had mixed feelings now. I didn’t exactly know whether I should be happy for myself or sad for him. We started having conversations. We chatted over WhatsApp, Facebook messenger and all the chatting media that are there right now.

Within a few days, we got very close. It was like he wanted a divorce from his wife desperately now so that he could marry me. And as usual I was very very excited about this new relationship of mine.

I was very attracted to him physically and emotionally. This didn’t allow me to stay away from him for long. We almost stayed in a live-in relationship with the knowledge of his parents. Everything was great initially. I was like whether he gets a divorce or not, I am his and he is mine forever. But gradually as our relationship grew, I got to know some very disturbing stuff.

He didn’t like having sex. He would only masturbate. When we used to get intimate, it was rarely that we had normal intercourse. What we always had was foreplay. That’s it. Since we were not having sex, I started craving for more because I was very very attracted to him physically. I wanted to have it with him only. Since all this started happening, I probed to find out what the real issue was. And then I got to know that he liked jerking off to different women.

He would check out other women’s profiles on social media and ask other women for their nude pictures.

He would then jerk off with them. And when it came to me and us, he didn’t get aroused even. For some time I started feeling that I had some problem. It was as if I was unattractive. And that had never happened in my past relationship.

I was in a healthy sexual relationship and here he had changed the meaning of sex for me. It’s suffocating here. Neither can I move out nor am I able to stay happily in the relationship.

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