If I Turn Blind Someday, I'd Die Of People’s Pity And Not Of The Darkness...
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*For representational purpose only.
Nowadays, I feel like my entire existence revolves around this one thing, and so I felt compelled to write. I hope that I can convey my concerns and agony well to my readers.
I was born with an eyesight issue due to being premature.
The cost I paid against life was a vision loss in one eye and high power in the other. My parents kept no coin unturned to find a cure, but it seemed that my fate was written. God picked me for a lifelong battle that was about to begin. The battle of survival, the battle of identity, the battle of worth.
At the age of three, I got thick -7 glasses, and the power of the eye with vision continued to increase, accounting for -16.5 today. It kept on going, and so did I.
Ever since I understood what condition I have, my tender heart just said one thing: "Prove everyone wrong, collect no pity, and just earn respect."
Because what matters is your character and integrity (as I was taught), I embraced the challenge and thanked the gods for giving me a wonderful, warm heart full of love, compassion, and innocence to view the world, and I made it my weapon.
My parents raised me in the same manner as the other children. I thank them for it because it sowed a seed in me of self-belief. And that kept me going, and believing in myself. I kept moving without looking back.
I excelled in academics, extracurricular activities, and all aspects of my social life. I adopted a rule: I never confront anyone about my condition unless they come up to me and ask about it. I never confessed it in any documents, either.
I don't want anything extra or special from anyone. Neither the government nor the people. Thanks, but no thanks for that aww, Bichiri (awful) looks! I've always wished for people to accept me for who I am. Disappointment is now a part of life; slowly and steadily, I kept meeting people, and they kept making me realise I fell short.
From all those guys who rejected me, saying you're a gem of a person but not girlfriend material (tujhe kabhi waise dekha nahi), all those worried but not really worried aunties taunting my mom about my wedding, all those friendly advices I get on being self-sufficient and financially stable from my well-wishers, just in case I don't get married.
Let me tell you, marriage is not a criterion for me to achieve or excel like others, which I did, anyway. What hurts me more is that suddenly I'm not a person anymore. Suddenly I'm a commodity, jisko bas sell karna ho, woh bhi aise ki grahak ko chuna lage or pata bhi na chale. And there’s no place for guilt.
So what's the compensation? Patli hoja, padhi likhi hai PhD tak, kamati to hai hi, Sushil hai, Ghar ke kaam janti hai, bus aankhon mein dikhta nahi hai.
Sometimes, somewhere, all these thoughts make me awake. On nights like this, fear suddenly creeps into my heart, reminding me that despite putting in so much effort to prove myself, I'm no less, I don't need pity.
People show me my worth in all of such instances, giving me the hard smack of reality that no matter what I do, how much I do, or how many times I do it, I'm different.
They come up with something so stupid and piercing to make me feel... less than I am. If I turned blind someday, I'd die first of their pity and not of darkness. And just between these moments, I sometimes wish and pray to God ki ya to poora de deta ya kuch na deta. Bich majhdhaar main ladne ki himmat hi thodi aur dedeta.
Thanks for reading. My heart feels light.
Guess I will sleep now or else I'll be late for work.
