What Anxiety Really Feels Like: This Is My Life

Ishani Mishra Ishani Mishra in Life Is Tough on 21 April, 2017

Feeling too much in one moment and then completely numb the next.

It sounds quite overwhelming? It might not be normal but it is my normal. It fluctuates from having my thoughts zeroed amidst a sea of people to the screaming voices in my head while sitting alone. Sometimes you just want to run away as far as you can but still, deep inside you want to hear from the ones you love. 

You want to be alone in the bubble you created for yourself but at the same time, you want someone to be there with you and trust me, it’s confusing as hell.

That feeling of panic when there are too many people around you to that feeling of anxiety when no one is. You just want to bleed away the trauma. You are bright sunshine for some and for others, a mysterious black hole. Black is the only colour that soothes you as it mirrors your soul.

The ‘never leaving you alone’ ache you feel inside overpowers any form of physical pain you inflict. It clenches inside and drains out any trace of emotions left behind in some dark closet of your brain.

You want to sleep to put your brain to ease but you can’t because your brain chooses to wander away. You try to stay still but those screeching voices inside never let you. You pretend to be blind but you can still see the darkness that surrounds you. And the moment you decide to speak up, you find that you’ve lost your voice.

What remains is only a shadow of my former self, and only this pain makes me feel alive. For I’ve lost the words or they have left me, can’t speak and barely can see, the person inside me mocking the real me.