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Could My Fear of Becoming My Mother Prevent Me from Having Children?

( words)
*For representational purpose only.

I don't recall ever smiling at my father or speaking affectionately to my mother. I am a 28-year-old working woman who is honest. I say what I think in the office, but at home, I am as deaf and dumb as anybody else. 

I rarely share my problems with my sister. Every time I share anything with my mother and sister, they never fail to come up with some gyan (wisdom).

My mother despised me since some man loved me, and my friend eloped with another guy with whom I had no relationship to begin with.

She began to speak sarcastically and hurt me in every way. She compares me to children ten years younger than me. She body-shames me for having health problems.

In the midst of it all, I fell in love with a boy, but my parents refused to accept him, my mother ordered me to leave the house, and she didn't even care about me. We struggled for a year to be married, but the wedding was postponed due to the lockdown, and my mother never requested or urged me not to feel terrible. Instead, she announced a wedding cancellation. 

I can't express my pain to my fiance, as he could slam back one day with all the awful days I've had. My family constantly demands yes from me no matter what the scenario is, and it's been nine years, and I'm not sure when it'll end.

Sometimes, I wish my family could simply disappear from my life or that I were an orphan.

I opted not to have children because I didn't want to become like my mother, and then my children would have to suffer as I did since we can't predict how the genes will manifest themselves.

I simply want a happy family, but I'm not sure when I'll be happy or love my family again.

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