I Know We're Over But Is This What Freedom Feels Like?

Anonymous Anonymous in Life Is Tough on 7 March, 2018

Dear ex,

I should really thank you for teaching me the art of flying. Even as I bid you goodbye, I continue to soar through the clouds with true freedom in my heart. I dare to dream again now. I even think of living a happy life all by myself.

I plan to cherish all the big and small moments that will nurture my own lovely topsy-turvy world.

I had never dared to dream about such things earlier. I never had any hopes of my own either. But for the first time in my life, you made me feel that I could be a heroine - the heroine of my own life story. Earlier I thought I always played the role of a supporting character very well. I always thought all my friends were heroes and heroines. I would eagerly play the role of a happy-go-lucky side-kick who always came up with funny anecdotes to ease the tense situations of their lives. I knew I would always be there to babysit their kids. I was sure I would be the cool aunt in their lives later on too. Yes, I was sure I would be able to live a good life and pursue a good career too. But that would have been the end of my story.

Today I realize that somehow my story always revolved around the lives of my friends. I never had any aspirations of my own.

Then you came along and changed everything! Yes! I was happy – very happy. But it didn't last for very long, did it?

I felt as if someone had poured freezing water over me when I was still smiling in my own happy dream world.

I did not wake up immediately either. In fact, I vehemently resisted my friends' attempts to make me confront the reality. There was enough evidence to prove that we were going to part ways. Both of us knew this very well.

But ‘hope' is a kind of a drug. First, it will elude you and when you finally do find it, you will refuse to give it up even if turns toxic.

That is what I ended up doing too. I refused to listen to my mind and acted like a moron. I refused to see that our relationship was turning parasitic.

Slowly but surely I had somehow started living my life through yours. Maybe you too were doing the same thing.

Sometimes, you did your best to make amends by showing me the true picture. But I refused to see it. I know that I behaved like an adamant fool. I officially call myself a heroine named ‘shikkaku'! Yes, I am still crazy about east and south-east Asia. And ‘shikakku' is Japanese for ‘disqualified.' I came up with this name for myself when I finally realized my position in our relationship. It was not easy to face the reality.

Life literally dragged me by my hair for several miles before I finally woke up.

And when I finally did wake up, I realized that I had better let you go. I knew I deserved better.

So today, I know that I don't hate you anymore. Yes, I know for sure that you were an a*sh*le but you were also the guy who taught me to dream.

You introduced me to some really good music. Some – not all! Some of the music pieces just sucked! You also taught me that Pikachu always grew up to become Raichu. You gave me some beautiful memories of the days when we had explored the town, gone on mini-adventures, spent all our pocket money by eating at almost all the eateries around our town and also about the days when we crammed stuff in our last-minute study sessions. You were the one who got me interested in cooking! And now it has become one of my favourite hobbies! You also lent me your shoulder once in a while when I needed it.

Yeah! I do remember the good times as well. It had not always been black or grey.

But do these happy memories make me want to go back? No, they don't. Yes, there are times when I find myself wandering off into the maze of our past memories. But the minute I realize this, I retrace my steps and bring myself back to the present. Of course, I find my heart contracting when I see that you are happy with your girlfriend. But it's not an angry or sad contraction. It is a melancholy one.

On one hand it brings back the memories of the past but on the other hand, it also brings a sigh of sadness and relief because I know that you are doing quite well without me.

I then say a little prayer and hope that you continue to remain happy with her and that you never come back into my life again! I love what Phoebe Buffay from FRIENDS said in one of the episodes: "Love is as sweet as the summer showers! Love is a wondrous work of art! But your love? Oh, your love – your love …is like a giant pigeon…crapping on my heart!"

Yes, I don't want you back. It was only when I finally woke up that I realized that my entire viewpoint was faulty.

You would always compare me to the wild curly haired soul of Merida in Brave…..Guess what? I finally realized that you were right. I was and am like Merida.

I don't need ‘someone' to fulfill my destiny or to be the heroine of my own story. I am the heroine of my own story and a really good one too. I may have loved and lost yet I gained and learned a lot too.

Now I am truly a free birdie. I am a strong woman of my own making. And I will continue to live my life with vigour. I will fulfil all my dreams. Yes, I do have a few regrets too. I wish I had let go of you when I first realized the truth. But I pretended that if I slept through the reality somehow things would be better when I woke up. It would have done both of us a hell lot of a good if I had let go of you at that time.

But the past is past and it is pointless to try and weave in happiness in what is past.

So Sayonara my friend. I sincerely thank you for all that you did for me. I am thankful for all the good memories and for your company too. But most important of all – I am thankful for the bitter life-lessons that you taught me. I am what I am today only because of them. Thank you and all the very best for your future.


Bunny (A freshly evolved Raichu!)

Editor's Note:

We all fumble and falter in our lives. We struggle with ourselves to confront the harsh reality. Let's do ourselves a huge favour at such times. Let's learn to be kind to ourselves, give ourselves ample time to regain our equilibrium and then move on with our lives at a pace that we are comfortable with. Do share this sensitive girl's story because it takes a lot of courage to accept that we are hurting so much.