I want to know where I went wrong. 

I met this amazing girl at a close friend’s party. I couldn’t speak to her then, I was too shy and she was dating a friend of mine. Life moved on for me, but somewhere she was always at the back of my mind. I would ask my friend about her occasionally. I did add her on Facebook, but never texted her. I found out that she was pursuing her MBBS from a private college, one that coincidentally belonged to one of my relatives. It was in her 4^th year that she got in touch with me. Someone was harassing her in her college and she was hoping I could get in touch with the board to help solve the matter discreetly. I did and that’s how we began talking.

Soon, I confessed my feelings to her, however, she was seeing someone else from her class.

One afternoon though, she agreed to come out for a cup of coffee with me. I did respect the fact that she was already seeing someone, but I wasn’t going to lose hope either.

A couple of months later, she broke up with her boyfriend. She was shattered and I became the shoulder she needed. Over this time, we grew closer and our conversations grew more intimate. We used to talk almost every night and shared our lives with each other. I would often surprise her with gifts at her college, all just to see her smile. 

Her feelings for me grew over time too, despite her fears of commitments from her past relationships. I did everything I could to assure her that I was not the same and she meant a lot to me… we would be different. We had maturity on our side to begin with, and we’d grown close as friends first.. that had to mean something.

There was always something dark and twisted about her… I never could see it then though. She spoke about fears that I couldn’t comprehend or help her overcome…but I listened, and at that time, it felt right. I was willing to do anything for her.

During this time, I got a job in Odisha and I shifted there. It was here when things started changing between us. I should have realized it then, but again, I was crazy about her and saw everything as a sign of her affection. She used to call me, incessantly, when I was at work.

The calls would be non-stop till I picked up. I never got mad at her for this behavior of hers, I thought it was cute. Sometimes, she used to throw tantrums over meaningless things. But I would enjoy getting things back to normal with her. She loved the surprise visits and would throw her arms at me and call me her angel.

I was in love with her and I thought that I had broken the defense walls she had created around her for so long.

A couple of months into our relationship, her college began. And this is when things really started changing between us. Again, warning bells that I ignored as I lived, oblivious, in my bubble of love. She got caught up with work there. She was always busy and began diverting her calls to her friend, Steffi. Steffi quickly became the “middle man” between us.

While I did respect her freedom as an independent girl studying for her MBBS, it surprised me that she didn’t have the time to even reply to a text of mine. Two years into our relationship, I spoke to her about taking things to the next level.

Her response surprised me. She told me her parents would never agree. That she was a bit taller than me and that’s when our fights began.

Again, half the time I was talking to Steffi and she was the one trying to mend the bridge between us. My work took me to Delhi and yet, I would drive down to surprise her whenever I could. A times, she loved it and at times, she was enraged. I never understood why her behavior would be so extreme towards something I knew she loved. I often ended up apologizing, I never knew what else I should do- but honestly, I did it because I loved her.

One evening, after a long fight, I waited for her to call me back. To text me and say something about it.. but after waiting a whole day, I realized I should try to get in touch with her instead.

I called, she didn’t pick up. She didn’t even reply to my texts. I called Steffi instead. She told me she had gone to Kasauli with her friends.

I was surprised: for two reasons, one, when I asked her to come out with me for a weekend, she always disagreed and two, she never told me that she was going, or with whom.

I waited till she was back and when we spoke, I didn’t hide my anger. She was apologetic and of course, I forgave her instantly. I told her that a relationship can’t work when it’s just one of us making all the efforts, she agreed then, but the next day, when I didn’t get a single text or call from her, I realized that she’d blocked my number.

I called Steffi. She said that she didn’t know and couldn’t speak at the time. I decided to drive down to her college, ask her what had happened, but she was furious and asked me to leave. Soon after, she unblocked me.

She told me she was not in the right mental state. And that sometimes, she would behave like this when she was confused about anything in her life. I wrote to her, told her how important she was to me and how I wouldn’t do anything to hurt her, or us, but she couldn’t keep behaving this way with me.

Two days later, she sent me a text saying she wanted to end this. I was confused. Shattered. I tried reaching out to her but she stopped answering my calls and texts.

I called Steffi and asked her for some explanation. Steffi saw the effort I had put into this relationship, to get the love of my life back, and that’s when she told me the truth.

She told me how the love of my life was seeing other guys when we were not together. That the weekend surprises used to scare her because she thought she would get caught, and hence, the mood swings.

I didn’t even have anything left to say. Two years, I had loved her, taken care of her, protected her… been her best friend when she needed me to: only to find out that she was never truly committed to me.

I should have let it go. I should have moved on then. But I tried to get in touch with her again and again. I wanted a reason. I wanted closure. I wanted to know what I had done wrong. I insisted that we meet.

And one day, she agreed.

And now I’m sitting here wondering, maybe I should have just left things the way they were. It would have been easier.

“My mother said she will never accept us. I did speak to her about you and I told my family that I would die if I couldn’t be with you, but they wouldn’t listen. I can’t live happily with you if my family won’t be okay with us… I just didn’t know how to tell you this.” She took a deep breath.

I… I didn’t know what to think or what to say.

Realizing there was nothing left to be said, she stood up and walked off.

I realize that I will have to move on. I love and respect her decision. But I know I’ll never be at peace without her.

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