"I Love You, Mata, But I Am Not In Love With You"
Those who have watched 'Nenu Sailaja' will be familiar with the line above. This is an open letter to the guy who turned my life upside down. I know he will not read this. Perhaps that's why I am able to write it.
Dear Mata, I love you. I really don't know but I think that's what you wanted me to say yesterday when you asked why I was so special to you. You said so many times that you needed a reason why I messaged you only, and each time I said I don't know.
Truth is, I really don't know.
I don't know why I feel like dying when I am not able to talk to you. I don't know why your one smiley can make me smile for two days. I don't know why I can't even think properly when you go missing for a few days. I don't know why you mean so much to me. I really don't know.
I wish so many times that I had never met you. I never needed friends. I am the definition of anti-social, of an introvert. I had my family, and they were all that mattered. Whenever I knew I was losing a friend, I would not be bothered. But merely the thought of not being with you brings me to tears.
My day revolves around you - around what you say. Why did you make me so weak? I have not told my family about you. You are the longest secret I have kept from them. Why did you make me a liar? I have had so many crushes and at any moment, I would be able to forget any feelings for them. Why are you not the same? Why am I not able to forget you?
You told me today you had a 'best friend girl friend' who is very close you. I hated you for telling that to me. I want you for myself but I am not able to give myself to you. I cannot marry you or be with you forever. I know I am selfish. But we are opposite souls. It would kill my parents if I married you. That's why, I have to tell you I love you, but I am not in love with you. I will always wish the best for you and pray for your happiness but I am not your soulmate, perhaps not in this life. I wish that we can be friends forever - for without you, I am not me.
PS. When I said I never heard your voice before, I was lying.