How It Feels To Keep Fighting Depression And The World Every Single Day Of Your Life

Anonymous Anonymous in Life Is Tough on 19 May, 2017

I don’t wish to blame the caste, society, community ideals for everything wrong that happened with a person, or especially a ‘girl’. For whatever wrong is happening around us, if it's happening, it is only because we are not strong enough to stand for ourselves and fight it out. I know there are quite a few doing their best, digging their way out through the mountain of problems and on the contrary, there are many who will just keep quiet, or rant and accept the decree passed by this judgmental world.

I am a lawyer by profession and so far I have been living my life on my terms. And blessed is this society that never failed to judge me based on my color, weight, body since childhood. As a kid, all I wanted was some positive attention from people and I hoped they could just wipe their eyes and see the best in me. Alas, that never happened.

Whenever I look back into my school days, I can’t recollect a single moment when I could have enjoyed my school days. Oh yes, I do remember one thing! I was often seated on the last bench. And guess what? I never had a seating partner. Oh no, I didn't have any infections that compelled this judgmental society to declare a person untouchable.

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I just couldn’t meet the invisible and stupid parameters set by the peer groups either, which means in their words ‘failed’ to impress them. And trust me I laughed back at them, then and even now. Being rich was important and sadly I didn’t qualify for that criteria either.

Secondly, good looks were important despite school kids standing under the burning sun during school hours. I never understood why some girls shone like diamonds despite the sun tan and I on the other hand, looked like burnt charcoal.

And thus, such girls were considered pretty and smart too, just because they were loud enough to giggle and draw all the attention. Even teachers failed to do their part. I don’t blame the girls. Maybe I was the only odd one out. But who cares!

What hurts me till now is the opinion I have of myself.
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As a child, I wanted my parents to hear me out. I wished to become a basket ball player, train for martial arts and fight but all this went deaf to my parents’ ears. I should have become what they wanted me to be, and that did not happen either! This didn’t mean I would get drunk and throw myself off a building or a cliff killing myself to prove my sad state. I knew I can’t quit. I kept fighting for myself.

No matter how hard I try, I still fail to prove myself to them. I never cared about this judgmental world, and never bothered when my friends, neighbors, acquaintance were distributing their wedding cards, posting pre-wedding pictures on social media. After all, what more can break a person who has been broken and shattered long back. When the only love of your life quietly cheated on you and left you with the deepest scars.

Trust me. It’s been six years and I am still haunted with the same dream. It’s like time keeps repeating itself in my dreams and my past isn’t ready to depart. So it’s okay. I have gulped it all. I live with these thoughts, but I have still managed to do my best.

Yes I am struggling, and I am only struggling to make myself the best person I had promised myself to become when I was a child. Yes, I had promised myself to do something better in the future, and till now I am sticking to my commitment made to myself. In all these years, I do see the best coming out of me. My experience with that guy made me improve a lot of things about myself, but they are overshadowed because he was the eclipse in my life.

I started painting, singing, driving and most importantly ‘Writing”. I completed my Post Grad and landed at a very nice work place. Now I am working as a legal consultant at a law firm in Dubai. EDM music, late night drives and most importantly ‘Friends’ changed my life- and not drugs or alcohol.

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However, depression remained my greatest BFF and has been faithful to me, never leaving my side. I am living with it, happily because where I am now, it will not be possible for everyone to reach me.

But I wish, I only wish if my dear ones understood my dreams and if they could ask me the reason for all this. And it is like a stab in my heart when my parents complain about not having a son!

I am working hard just to be a better person and bring a good name to my family. Is it not enough? I have been challenging life every single day. Sadly, they still sit quietly, trying to avoid questions raised by useless neighbors and relatives on my marriage and my age. Should I blame them? Should I blame the society? Should I blame the mentality? Or should I blame myself for being born at the wrong time in the wrong place?

“But it’s OK, because I still don’t care.”