I was madly in love with a guy who was smart, decent and handsome. Of course, he was a gentleman too. I think this Mr Handsome knew he was smart but I wasn’t smart enough to impress him. Perhaps he felt I was not beautiful enough for him. I knew my one-sided love was giving me a lot of pain. I realized that this kind of love could be very real too.

I could love a person without even expecting that person to love or care for me.

But there was something which was much more painful than my one-sided love. It was my foolishness.

Yes, I was foolish enough to not express my love to the person that I loved.

I felt like the biggest fool in the world because I had not spoken to my first love even once. I found him interesting.

I knew he was innocent and he was a guy who never looked at any girl. But I wondered why he always looked at me.

I didn't know why he did this but I knew I loved him. I had started loving him when I was 16. He looked like he was in his mid-twenties. We had several chances to talk to each other but I never expressed my love to him.

I was as scared as hell to talk to him and I felt he looked at me like as if I was a very young girl.

My diary is filled with his memories. It is filled with my blood. Yes, I used to write “I love you” with my blood. I would think about him and write poems. I would wait for months together to get one glance at him.

But what was the use of doing all this when I didn't have the courage to hand over my diary to him? Life did not wait for a fool like me.

He married someone else. What was I supposed to do now? I cried for days together. I stopped eating. I hardly slept. I was extremely depressed. I somehow managed to complete my studies. I was really very crazy about him while I was in college. Around the same time, another guy was crazy about me.

I ignored him. I even insulted him. But he never gave up on me. I hated him. I would hide from him thinking that he was harassing me.

Mr Handsome had been married for two years now. My heart started melting for this guy. I accepted this person who loved me.

We shared a strong relationship for 10 years and then got married. It feels good to be married. We love and care for each other and we even have a baby now.

Two weeks back my friend called me and said, “Hey, I have a mail in my inbox from someone who is asking for your contact number.” I asked her who had sent her that mail. My heart started beating at a very fast pace when she uttered Mr Handsome’s name.

I should have ignored it. But I couldn’t.

I asked my friend to reply to him and ask him why he needed my number. He said, “I have been married for 8 years now. But I have not seen your friend for the past two years. I never felt anything when I saw her so often. But I have started missing her badly now.”

“Maybe this is happening because I have not seen her for such a long time.”

I had heard about ‘Absence making the heart fonder’ but this came as a complete surprise to me. I guess it was easy for anyone to realize that I loved him or at least had a crush on him by the way I used to react when he was around me.

But he had not cared a damn about it then.

My friend and I thought that someone was probably playing a prank on us. So my friend told him that I was not in town. He said, “When will she be back? It’s OK if you don’t wish to share her number with me. I just want to see her once. Can you share one of her photos with me?” My friend shared one of my photos with him. He said, “She looks so cute.”

Wow! I had expected those words a long time back.

But still, I felt happy about it. Now I started waiting for my friend's messages and calls regarding his emails. One day my friend asked him for his contact number. But he didn’t share it with her.

He said, “If I share my number with you I might feel like talking to her and she too may want to talk to me. I don’t want her husband to know about this.”

Now I started suspecting that someone was really playing a prank with me. So my friend sent him a mail and said, "Don't worry about it. Her husband is aware of everything. In fact, he was the one who asked me to share her photo with you." My friend lied to him on my behalf.

We had to wait for a while for him to reply this time. But not for long. He said, “Oh God. This is not a good sign. No husband will be happy to share his wife’s photo with another guy. Please don’t tell your friend about this. But her husband had spoken to me during her college days. I know how possessive he is about her.”

We were surprised to hear him say this. My husband had never told me about this. He knew I had a crush on Mr Handsome but I don’t know when my hubby spoke to him. We replied and asked him to tell us about what my husband had told him at that time. But he never gave us a proper answer.

He just said that “He loves her a lot.”

He continued to keep in touch with my friend. He told her that he remembered seeing me in my school uniform.

He said he always thought of me as a little girl and that is why he had given my name to his second daughter.

But I was not happy about it. I had dreamt of being his better half. I had wanted to be a part of his life. I didn’t want to linger in his memories alone. He replied after a long while.

He said, “I want to see her once. I don’t want to talk to her. I don’t need her contact number or her mail. I just want to have a glimpse of her. That’s it.”

I too felt like seeing him. We fixed a date and I met him. I went to a supermarket and he too came there. We looked at each other for 2 minutes and then both of us walked away.

But those two minutes were so precious to me. After that, he just sent one more mail. He said, “I was very happy to see her. Please ask her to take care of herself. I hope she has a blessed and happy life.”

I was very happy and very excited when I heard about this mail. But after that, he completely stopped mailing my friend. I still wait for his emails every day. He was such a genuine guy that he did not even ask me for my contact number or email. 

He then sent my friend just one more mail. He said, “I cared a lot for her. She was worth fighting for. But I could have never lived peacefully with her. So I decided to move on with my life.”

We didn’t understand what he meant by those last two statements. We asked him to explain it but he didn’t. That was his last mail.

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