I'm A Devoted Wife, But I Can Never Truly Love My Husband...

I may sound cliche, and to some realistic intellectuals, I may sound stupid.

But there has to be that one person in your life who will impact your heart indelibly. Even after years of moving on and being busy in your life, you can't forget them (their thoughts run across your head randomly every now and then, albeit you don't miss them as much as you once did).

Yes, I'm referring to my First Love.

I don't know about others, but my first love would undoubtedly be the last since, despite being blessed with an understanding spouse and being lovingly married, I couldn't love my husband with the same intensity that I loved my first love.

I want to be clear that I adore my hubby and am a devoted and faithful wife. All I realised is that I no longer pour my heart out as I did to that person from my past. The first love who crushed my heart so severely. Badly to the extent that it took years for me to recover. To the extent that I thought of ending my life, though I could never attempt it. To the extent that I put my life on hold for him, I was adamant to forget him and move on.

He ignored me, cursed me, fought with me, changed his phone number, and tried all he could to get rid of me. But my soul forgot my life before him and how I could exist without him. Despite all odds, I've never forgotten him. The only difference is that I'm over him. He was once my best friend and my first love, now he's just my past.

I hand-sewed a wallet for him on one of his birthdays. Made all the effort to make it appear like it was stitched using a sewing machine. All because I wanted to see him smile.

I could go to any extent. I used to apologise all the time, even when it wasn't my fault, merely to appease his ego. When he was upset, I absorbed his insults and put up with his attitude. I had no idea how to get out of the relationship. All I knew was how to make him happy and find reasons to meet him again. I looked for reasons to justify his actions.

I moved on one lovely day after years of hardship. You'll recognise Rosalie's conversation if you've ever watched the Twilight series (Eclipse). "But I was young, I was In love with the idea of love.." she says. That's what I was doing all the time.

I believed I was special in his life, and maybe I was at first, but he grew out of it.

He didn't appreciate my presence but didn't let me go either. He merely kept me hanging so that when things didn't work out with his so-called "friends," he could return.

I was like a constant stepney, an additional wheel, and an extra person. I've always been outgoing. After all those years of bonding, I was not even considered. All of this took me a long time to realise.

When the blindfolds were removed, I discovered he was friends with other girls. He never even brought them up to me. While I was still in contact with him, he approached a female and asked her to marry him.

But he never mentioned it for the sake of our so-called relationship. I'm still wondering where the boy that I adored is. Is he the same man? Why did he change like seasons? It still pinches me in places and makes me feel stupid.

I am happy today. My husband and I were destined to meet, and we are still together. My partner showed that a good gentleman will keep his word. If he says he wants to marry you, he will, regardless of any oddities that may arise. I love my husband to death, but have a great void in my soul that cannot be filled.

I gradually evolved into this rude, stubborn individual. My stubbornness sometimes prevents me from adjusting to our relationship.

After all that occurred with my first love, I believe I should no longer bow in front of anyone's ego since I once lost my self-esteem, and now I can't.

Sometimes, I'm just the obedient wife, and I don't make any additional effort to make us stronger.

I feel like I lost the girl who would go to any length to make her chosen one happy. I would never apologise if my spouse believes I should, even though he never demands it. I never stopped apologising to my first love, even though it was never my fault. So, doing these things makes me nervous because I'm afraid my spouse will take me for granted.

My first love left an indelible imprint on my personality. I feel the innocence in me, the soft-hearted girl with a bubbly demeanour departed permanently after experiencing numerous tiny and large emotional damages during that period of my life.

I am glad, though, that it never worked out, but the pain I took, the tears, some happy moments, most worse, just flash in my head whenever I come across anything or any place which reminds me of him. And I smile, thinking what an emotional fool I was.

Today, when anyone younger than me asks for relationship advice, my sole counsel is, "The show must go on." Don't be heartbroken and stuck in any scenario. Don't waste time and opportunities.

Someone who has to be with you, who wants to live with you, will be there no matter how bad things go. And if someone does not want you, whether it is a friend, a love interest, or a close family, despite your efforts and the value you have provided to them, they will still not want you, so be it.

Rejection and inacceptance will not render you useless or worthless. You are more powerful than you think. With the willpower that is inside you, you can move on from any unpleasant scenario or poor relationship on any given day.

You are not useless. You are equally precious. Any relationship that focuses only on your breakdown, insults, or giving away your self-respect is not worth keeping. If you are still in there, you are wasting your time, knowing you can gain nothing in return. When in your heart you know it's not going to work out.

Please step out! Time is really precious, so make the most of it to do something worthy in your life. Something that can make you wise and bring you happiness.

I never focused on my career or my life. My entire mind, soul, and dedication were devoted to him. I never cared about my family. How much they wanted me to do something. The only thing I was finally left with was a strong impression and a huge regret for not moving on in time. I would have done much better and may have been in a better position in life.

I am happily married now. My parents, my family, everyone is happy. But I can't return the precious me I lost to storms and dark nights. I try my best to have a positive outlook whenever I cherish my past. I keep good things in mind.

I still remember how much mental pain these memories took. Though time has healed me to the greatest extent, and it doesn't matter anymore, the emptiness and mark left by him are unforgettable.

YOUR STORY

BAKKAR. CHAI. SUTTA

LET'S FACE IT