In pursuit of questing for love and happiness
( words)
*For representational purpose only.
As I arrived at the airport, it gave me a feeling you get after an ambulance has left loading a patient who’s running for his life to be saved. The calm after the storm has taken place. The entire atmosphere looked as if the charm has been taken away. The roads looked empty. The sceneries passing by gave no clue of happiness. I started to sense out of place when I felt my balcony which was one of my finest escape seemed melancholic and dry. It felt like I have woken up from a dream which was too enticing to live with this reality now. And every corner of my body, soul and places screamed for freedom. In that moment of despair, I realised- I’m not in love with this city anymore. And how can you live in a place in which you have no love left?
I remained sad for a few days, after all, I screwed up a relationship which I had for 17 years with my own city Hyderabad. Nevertheless, I continued to go to the office, gym, eat but all of it felt empty and dry. I decided to work on my relationship with the city. I was not ready to give up at least on this relationship. I have always given up on humans. I was just not ready for this.
I started to figure out what do I like about this city and many flashbacks started to appear right from my childhood- Dum Ki Biryani, Chaderghat, Charminar, Seven tombs, Old city, dates on the necklace road, heartbreaks and heartaches.
I decided that I will visit all these places in the hope that I might get my happiness and love back. The majnu in me got activated and I started to take long walks (which was about 10+ kilometres from my house) to these places. I would put on my headset and start walking to these places searching for the lost love, cluelessly. I must say, I was desperate.
On this journey, I witnessed many sunsets, random people, laughed with strangers, had chai at various spots, saw birds chirping but my quest did not meet the conclusion. I was doing all these crazy things alone. I told a few friends about this and they doubted my mental health, some laughed, and one joined silently.
One day, after a tiring day of losing hope I came home. I started to question my mother. What should I do to be happy? She started to suggest things like pray, read the Quran and so on. But I told her “ What you are quoting is a way of life, what should I do for happiness?” she had no answers. I was disappointed because she is my mother and she had no answer about her child. I felt defeated because I am a full grown-up ass and still had no clue what I should be happy in life for?
While I laid on my recliner all gloomy and sad, a friend called. I told her the entire mayhem I was going through. End of which she said in a very calmer tone “ You are unhappy because you are trying to find happiness in other people or relying on your happiness in other people. Stop that and start to create your own.” That sank hard and tough.
I realised my mistakes. All these years, I was living on the idea of how other people taught me to live a life which came with religious values, parental pressures, peer pressures and perpetual expectations. I looked around my life and regretted not living it to the fullest. I did what I wanted to do but with guilt. And I did not want guilt anymore.
To this present day when I am put in quarantine with this world. I am content. I seek happiness in exercise, encourage people, wash dishes, do my work diligently and appreciate my peers for what they were and what they have become. And sometimes that assurance is enough to buy happiness and contentment.
I remained sad for a few days, after all, I screwed up a relationship which I had for 17 years with my own city Hyderabad. Nevertheless, I continued to go to the office, gym, eat but all of it felt empty and dry. I decided to work on my relationship with the city. I was not ready to give up at least on this relationship. I have always given up on humans. I was just not ready for this.
I started to figure out what do I like about this city and many flashbacks started to appear right from my childhood- Dum Ki Biryani, Chaderghat, Charminar, Seven tombs, Old city, dates on the necklace road, heartbreaks and heartaches.
I decided that I will visit all these places in the hope that I might get my happiness and love back. The majnu in me got activated and I started to take long walks (which was about 10+ kilometres from my house) to these places. I would put on my headset and start walking to these places searching for the lost love, cluelessly. I must say, I was desperate.
On this journey, I witnessed many sunsets, random people, laughed with strangers, had chai at various spots, saw birds chirping but my quest did not meet the conclusion. I was doing all these crazy things alone. I told a few friends about this and they doubted my mental health, some laughed, and one joined silently.
One day, after a tiring day of losing hope I came home. I started to question my mother. What should I do to be happy? She started to suggest things like pray, read the Quran and so on. But I told her “ What you are quoting is a way of life, what should I do for happiness?” she had no answers. I was disappointed because she is my mother and she had no answer about her child. I felt defeated because I am a full grown-up ass and still had no clue what I should be happy in life for?
While I laid on my recliner all gloomy and sad, a friend called. I told her the entire mayhem I was going through. End of which she said in a very calmer tone “ You are unhappy because you are trying to find happiness in other people or relying on your happiness in other people. Stop that and start to create your own.” That sank hard and tough.
I realised my mistakes. All these years, I was living on the idea of how other people taught me to live a life which came with religious values, parental pressures, peer pressures and perpetual expectations. I looked around my life and regretted not living it to the fullest. I did what I wanted to do but with guilt. And I did not want guilt anymore.
To this present day when I am put in quarantine with this world. I am content. I seek happiness in exercise, encourage people, wash dishes, do my work diligently and appreciate my peers for what they were and what they have become. And sometimes that assurance is enough to buy happiness and contentment.
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