I am 30 and I pee in my pants, literally! Well, this is not a crib and cry or heartbroken story. This is a simple post that says that it is okay to be ‘not okay’.
It is all right if you do not have anything figured out.
It is okay to take your time and it is equally okay to make mistakes in your life. Moreover, it is okay to take your own time to get over those mistakes (but you should get over them).
I am a North Indian, single girl, a working professional with experience of over 5 years and degrees from the top colleges in the country. I’m based out of a corporate hub in the country and earn a 6-digit salary, which feels like a dream. I have had the opportunity to travel far and wide for work and pleasure. I am a humorous, fun-loving and reasonably beautiful girl.
In short, I’m doing everything I’ve wanted to do ever since I wanted to grow up and be independent.
One may look at me and think, “She is so sorted; she is living her dream.” But what it appears on the outside is pretty much in complete contrast to what life has thrown at me personally.
As much as my professional life is gratifying and liberating, personally, well, I wish it were anywhere close.
I am not a casual-hooker-kinda-girl but I have had four committed relationships with some forced and unforced errors. I dated someone who was way older than me, then there was someone who would get violent when drunk, another one who could not man up in front of his mother and someone who cheated on me with his best friend’s wife. Oh, and by the way, the first three really loved me to their souls.
The last one just played me out easily, but don’t blame him, I was an easy catch. Touché.
Anyway. To sum it up, I have been an emotional fool and have been through emotional distress and trauma ever since I turned 16. None of my relationships was fulfilling or even satisfying. Some were physically abusive, some mentally abusive while some were outright verbally abusive, but abusive nonetheless. The last one even gave me a couple of abortions and pills to live with.
And every time I was going through all the mess, I would think this was the end of life for me, for I would give in more than my 500 percent in a relationship.
I would feel and literally see all my investment of emotion, time, effort, energy and even money, going to waste in seconds. It is probably the most crumbling feeling. It is like watering a seed to make it grow into a plant only to find out that it was a weed (not the kinds that you can smoke away either!).
In all, the last 12 odd years of my life have had me living two lives - one on the outside and one on the inside.
The moment I would step out, I was the flamboyant, happy, energized me but the moment I would step back home, I would be the quiet, isolated and self-critical me, which is the most damaging and horrible thing one can do to oneself. More importantly, if any kind of self-doubt were to come in the way, it would just ruin things for you like it did for me.
I can talk at length about the kind of mess, baggage and damage I am currently dealing with. As a result of leading these two lives, I am now an insomniac who takes anti-depressants and has a horrible ripped personal life. So much so that even my nervous system has gone for a toss and I have blood-pressure issues too.
With my health gone awry, my family does not hold me in any regard for they fail to understand how can a well-educated girl make such mistakes.
However, I do not agree with this as anyone can be taken for a ride if one is an emotional-decision-maker... I'm not sure if that is the right or the wrong thing to do. Friends continue to play their angelic roles in my life and try and talk me out of everything. I have a psychologist to help me out too.
But what matters the most is what goes on in my mind!
So what have we got here? I still stick around with my last guy as he still ‘claims’ that he never cheated on me but I know he is lying. Maybe I hang around him because someone once told me that there is comfort in misery. So probably, I do not see myself having the strength to change and move on.
I have shivering hands with nervous system issues, so much so that I even pee without realizing..!
Yes, I do pee in my pants; stress did get the hold of me. I am on medication and am trying to change and improve with each passing day. But what I want to say to the world today is that life has been kind and unkind to all of us in its own funny ways.
It has been pleasantly surprising and horribly shocking too. For all of us.
On this roller-coaster journey of life, what most of us feel is the burden of the entire world on our shoulders, when things go crumbling down. We feel as if we are alone in all of this mess and that others are just living their lives to the tee! But what we tend to ignore is that we are all in the same f*****g boat, it is the same bloody boat, maybe at different times. So it is really okay to be not okay.
It is okay to breathe a little slower and take your own time doing it.
It is okay to take a break and move to the back seat. It is okay to not have answers all the time and it is okay to not have it all figured out. All of us are trying to make the most of whatever we have, and it is okay to fail at it too. But just be sure, sooner or later, of never giving up and just standing up that one more time.
Because this is life and this is all you got and no one is getting out of this alive. So live it!