My Perfect Marriage Isn't A Consolation Prize For My Lost Love

Anonymous Anonymous in Life Is Tough on 31 October, 2017

I am a 30-year-old housewife, settled (more or less) in the UK. My husband works in a UK based MNC and I have a four-and-a-half-year-old daughter who is in school. My father-in-law who earlier lived with us now stays in India.

My life is good, but I repent many things about my past where I neither enjoyed life to the fullest nor studied much (though I was a first class student). I also held a grudge against my younger sister.

She was said to be a much better version of me, which I believe was true.
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When I was 17, I fell hopelessly in love with a classmate of mine. Though I never expressed it, I deeply loved him. I really wanted to be a part of his life and I thought that we’d make a good couple.

But being an introvert, I could never express my love.

I also thought that whether or not to start a relationship was always the boy's call. This guy would stand in the corridor, right opposite my bench in class, and grin and make eye contact with me, which I believed was nothing other than love.

Since it was my pre-university phase, my parents were anxious about my studies. Our hide-and-seek continued through the first year of pre-university.

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Until one day, my sister discovered a book where I had secretly documented my feelings for him.

She promptly handed it over to my mom. My mom was furious! She scolded me and said that it was very cheap of me to think about my classmate, with whom I had shared my childhood, in such a wrong manner. How could I have even thought about such a thing!

I felt extremely guilty because I was in love with my childhood friend.

And my mother almost made it look like a crime! So, I promised her that I would not do it anymore. And I moved on with my life.

I started by changing my bench then completely avoiding eye contact with him and finally, I stopped attending classes altogether and started studying at home. I secured a mere first class in the second year of pre-university. I went on to complete my degree in 4 years and post graduation in 3 years.

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I simply couldn't concentrate on my studies nor could I gel with my peers. I was a total loser!

Somehow, after a mediocre performance in my student life, I landed a teaching job. I worked for a year and a half before getting married.

Unfortunately, my pre-marriage phase wasn't very good either. My father was always angry with me as I was on the heavier side, which most suitors used against me to avoid the alliance.

But my husband was a godsend who accepted me.

Within six months of meeting, we exchanged vows. By then, I had totally forgotten about my love.

Recently, I got to know through Facebook that he married some other girl. While I was happy for him, somewhere deep within my heart, I had that unfulfilled dream of living with him and being his life partner.

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Especially after seeing so many childhood sweethearts getting married and my mother applauding those lovers. My sister too had a love marriage and my mother was perfectly fine with it.

Now, I regret everything about my past life, from not being able to secure good marks to not being able to express my love.

I hope my daughter doesn’t become a loser like me.

 

Editor's Note:

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