I Know It's My Fault. I Gave My Husband The Power To Ruin My Life. And I Hate Myself For It

Anonymous Anonymous in Life Is Tough on 22 May, 2017

Ours was an arranged marriage. Our parents met and scheduled a meeting for both of us in October. Both of us were working in different cities. So we planned to come down during Diwali. We met on the decided date in the presence of our families. He seemed to be a little shy.

But what I liked the most about him was that he respected my parents. That was very important to me.

We both got engaged on the same day. My parents were happy with my engagement. Except for the fact that he respected my parents, I was not too happy about my engagement. But sometimes we just have to go with the flow.

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Deep down, I was not very excited about my marriage. But I hoped that I would start loving him after I got married. We courted each other for 6 months and got married after that.

We never went for our honeymoon. Even today he has so many excuses for it. We just stayed with his parents for a fortnight. I tried to understand everyone in his house during this time. Things were quite good between us.

I thought he was a good man. I thought his family too liked me. Sometimes my mother-in-law did pass some comments about me but I just ignored them.

After 15 days, we resumed working. Both of us still lived in different cities. We were constantly looking out for opportunities to work in the same city. 8 months later, we finally managed to settle down in the same city.

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Till then, I would travel from Bangalore to Pune (a 14-hour journey) every weekend in order to spend a few hours with him. 

But even during those few hours, he would keep complaining about me.

He would keep asking me why I had not applied to all the other companies that had job opportunities in Pune. I told him I was trying to do that. It was not easy to give up my MNC job to work for a small company.

But he continued to complain more often now.

One day, I told him that he too should look out for a job in Bangalore. It was another IT hub too. I told him that it would not be too difficult for him to get a job there.

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He started fighting with me and started scolding me. He then started talking ill of my family members. I was shocked and hurt but I didn’t give up.

Time passed. I kept looking out for other opportunities. After a while, I got a work from home opportunity for my project itself. So I shifted to Pune thinking that things between us would be fine now.

One day, he called me from his office and asked me to check the Gmail conversations that he had with his sister. His sister had shared someone’s contact number with him over his Gmail and he needed that number. I was shocked when I went through the history of the conversation.

Both of them had made fun of me before we got married. They had even called me ‘stupid’. I checked his previous conversations too and was dumbstruck. His sister had asked him not to marry me because I was fat and ugly. And he had said, “Look at the company for which she is working. She is definitely earning a damn good salary.”

I was shocked to know that he had married me only because I was earning a good salary and not because he liked me. That was the day I gave up all hope on love. Yet I respected him. I still don’t know why.

We continued to lead our lives. We were busy with our office and home life. One day, we reached home late in the night. It was after 11.30 p.m. He asked me if I had called his parents that day. I told him that I was busy and hadn’t got a chance to do so. I told him that I would call them tomorrow because anyway he had spoken to them today.

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But he turned around and slapped me. All my dreams were shattered that day.

After that day, he started beating me whenever he got angry. I had a miscarriage after that. I have been trying to conceive for the past three years. All our medical reports are normal.

Yet he blames me for not conceiving.

He scolds me, calls me bad names and even calls me a banjh (a bad word used to address a person who can never conceive). His parents cook new stories about me. They then keep telling him negative things about me.

He has started hating me now.

I have been married for 5 years now. But I am mentally and physically shattered. I have given up all hope of living my life peacefully.

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I finally told my parents all the problems that I was facing in my marital home. They were under the impression that I was leading a happy life.

I still question myself a lot. I loved him. I supported him emotionally, physically and financially. I fulfilled all my duties as a wife. I respected his parents. I treated his parents like my own parents. Recently when his parents fell sick, my husband and sister-in-law had been too busy with their official work to take them to the doctor. I was the one who had taken them to the doctor.

But they still think I am the WITCH of the house.

So I have decided to become a selfish and emotionless WITCH in my real life too. I AM DONE NOW with all these relationships!!

Author's Note:

Who gave him the power to make me hate my life? Who gave him the power to force me to give up all my hopes in life? Yes. It was I who had given him the power to do all this to me. And I hate myself for it. Yet I continue to live my life in the same manner and I still want to give him another chance.

Editor's Note:

Sometimes we can clearly demarcate between ‘wrong’ and ‘right’. We know others are at fault. Maybe they are so damn generous with their ‘labels’ because they are trying to cover up their own faults. Come now…. We know our worth, don't we? Why do we choose to get affected by such petty labels? Let’s share this story because nobody really owes us any happiness. We have to make it our business to create our share of happiness for ourselves every single day.