I Want To Fall In Love But I Can't

Priyanka Kandoi Priyanka Kandoi in Life Is Tough on 13 May, 2017

To begin with I would like to describe myself as soft spoken, quiet and far less expressive. I enjoy my own company and I like to dream alone.

People often misunderstand me in this context, they feel I’m a brave girl and not afraid of loneliness, but alone is not the same as lonely.

I’d rather be surrounded by people because I have a secret fear of loneliness. I’m warm, have an open-heart, desperately in need of both affection and emotional stability. I simply cannot stand the truth being distorted. I expect, want and demand the truth, however blunt it may be.

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My quest for truth and self-knowledge seems to be never ending. I believe in searching for truth, recognizing it and finally being compelled to express it fearlessly. I never like to hold grudges and I can frankly admit I’ve been wrong (when I really believe I have been).

I’m self-conscious and hate people who make me feel ashamed of my identity. I’d rather be with someone whom I wouldn’t mind being myself with, someone who can make me feel more like myself. I do agree I’m conscious but I wouldn’t mind it if someone who really cares for me points out my mistakes because self-awareness is less painfully gained when someone who loves you is honest enough to hold up the mirror of truth to show you your faults.

I’m deeply vulnerable and possess an inner innocence and a touching faith in people that often places me in awkward positions, and make me seem like something I’m not. But no one seems to understand that it all begins so innocently. I’m very confused about life and I may not recognize my own goals until someone points them out to me.

This doesn’t mean I like being ordered around, I believe I was born free, born to rebel against being commanded.
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I can have terrible mood swings at times, from sensitive to introspective and again back to temperamental and caustic. People often take my blunt candor in the wrong way but they don’t understand that it wasn’t said to hurt their feelings. I just believe in the truth, for all my shining idealism, I’d much rather hear it like it is, so that I can deal with the realities and not illusions.

I always used to remind myself that when failure and sorrow threaten to dim my dreams, joy and success are waiting in the wings to step out on stage and do their bit. I simply don’t know where all these bright and beautiful views concerning life have vanished. I’m no more the person I used to be.

I simply cannot recover as quickly from a broken heart as I can from other bad experiences. Unrequited love was all I got from a relationship. I gave my love freely to a person who abused my trust and got me down and is keeping me there… deep down where there’s no hope for sunshine ever again. Being a trusting, vulnerable creature I’ve stumbled and fallen more number of times than I can manage to remember, trusting people who’ve hurt me and let me down, just when I needed them most.

I was born somewhat skeptical and my excursions into love have done nothing to soften it but instead have only sharpened it. When I fell in love, my whole spirit reached out like a trusting puppy, hungry for affection, ready to return it in full measure. Only now do the accumulated mistakes of the years cause me to wear the mask of skepticism and cynicism.

I like the truth no matter how much it hurts. I believe in honesty whatever the cost.
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My basic nature used to be sunny and valiantly hopeful, which is why now I suffer so dreadfully when I’ve discovered the dark side of the rainbow. I’m broken over the cruelty of uncaring souls who didn’t share my gigantic faith and generosity. There’s an alarming shortage these days of honest people who live inside out and not from outside in. I simply can’t stand hypocrites and phonies but unluckily I’ve most come across such people. I don’t like to fool anyone or be fooled myself. I’m a friendly person and trust mostly everyone I meet; to share my own open and frank way of communicating and expressing my feelings on all subjects. But I’ve been repeatedly disappointed because human nature is varied and fickle.

My negative experiences have now turned me bitter, has drowned my enthusiasm and optimistic outlook and have caused me to become very skeptical. Today’s world is crammed with corruption, crowded with the criminal element and totally without ethics.

It’s not that I take love lightly, no matter how many love affairs I might have had with those naive trusting eyes, so wide open, yet so blind to the realities of human nature. Each time I loved, I believed with all my heart that this must be the first time two people ever felt such wonder.

Each time I stumble upon a romantic adventure, I sincerely want love to be real and a forever-after, as in the fairy tales I used to read as a child, but each time I was let down.

Each time I love, I trust, I believe, I try with all my fiery idealism and determination, I ultimately fall into heartbreak with no net to catch me. It hurts, to fall without a net to break your fall. My heart bears more cuts, bruises and scars than anyone could ever suspect because I push sadness away by my fake smile. I inwardly believed that everything will come out in the wash, but then I’ve cried great and dramatic tears when it didn’t, which serves me right for expecting too much out from life.

I've plunged from the heights of supreme optimism and blind faith to the depths of sarcastic cynicism. I’ve simply flown into the clouds spontaneously, and then fallen to the ground with a thud. I wouldn’t mind those stinging arrows of honesty if I was once told why am I being abandoned, but clinging on to false hope and then realizing the bitter truth is what hurt me the most. I was blinded by love’s idealism and challenge and therefore wounded by love’s reality because my anxious quest has not yet led me to search for love where it really hides: “within my own heart”.

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But I’ve decided that I’m not going to let anyone play with this heart that is filled up to the brim with so much love. Maybe if someone can convince me that I can trust him to love me completely (unlike those other phony hypocrites who broke my heart), I’ll reward him with freedom, devoted friendship, affection, warmth and generosity.

I’m quick to reach out for love, if the hand I grab and hold tightly also offers friendship; I can be most loyal once I become sincerely attached.

I basically want someone who’ll protect me and not order me around. I have no intentions of giving up my individuality for anyone in this world. I’m so confused; many times I mistake friendship for love and love for friendship. My outspoken bluntness naturally causes misunderstandings, hurt feelings and a good share of fiery battles but my pride comes to the surface and rescues me in a crisis, allowing me to pass off my heartache as the biggest joke of the season.

Inside, I may be weeping but I try to answer the questions asked by friends in such a manner that they’ll decide the whole affair was a harmless flirtation on my part. Little can anyone guess how I soak my pillow every night wondering what could have gone wrong that has left my spirit crushed? Due to all the bad experiences I just can’t think of taking anyone seriously anymore and have thus gained the reputation of a cold heartless female.

The truth is I'm a trusting child at heart. My outlook is so naïve that it makes me vulnerable. My mind helps me take care of myself in any emergency but my heart is defenseless. It falls down and gets bruised quite often. I just want someone who feels honesty is beautiful and deception is ugly. But for the time being I’ve built a wall around myself, I won’t allow anyone to get so close to me that I’ll be shattered again if there is a separation. Later on if someone does turn up who’ll soothe my painful memories with his affectionate concern, someone who’ll assure me the scars will disappear sooner if I look towards the future, not the past. If I come across as such a person in the long run then maybe I might think of getting into a relationship again.

Each time I have tears in my eyes I console myself by saying that “the sun always comes out after the rain” but it is of no help. I don’t see any sign of sunshine; it’s just the gloomy rain, the issues from the past that haunt me day and night. I bluntly inform my subconscious mind that the only way to remove my fears is to conquer them by accepting the challenge they’ve offered. I’m still trying to conquer my fears and hope some day I’ll be able to get over my past and start looking towards the future with a positive outlook. Maybe I’ll again start following what my motto used to be:

Be what you are, do what you feel, and say what you think.