I don’t know what the hell on earth am I doing and I’m freaked. I am not a writer. I tried to give writing a go when I was young, naive and heartbroken. But I never gathered the courage to go out there and publish what I had to say. I never thought I was good enough.
Now here I am, 4 years later, still young, a little less naive and not heartbroken (been a while since I recovered from one) but one thing has been constant, I’m still clueless. I’m still clueless about what I'm doing, where am I headed and what the hell on earth do I want. I hope I’m not alone in this loop of darkness.
So here I am, trying to write the story of a girl who is frustrated and clueless.
In a world full of people who seem to have gotten their happy endings, happily ever afters, I’m still struggling to become somewhat independent; financially, emotionally and in every way possible. No, this is not a story about a person who has struggled and won the battle of gaining her self-worth. I’m not that person yet, but, isn’t that all we read about on the Internet these days?
"X and X have struggled with issues, x and x have worked on themselves and now they’re doing good, they’re happy.”
What about us? What about people like us who are still struggling to get on the other side? People who don’t know what it takes to swim and get to the bank of the river. We’re just here, in the middle of nowhere, with no vision of how to deal with the mess that we just created with a lot of hope in the heart.
I too am on the other side of the continuum, where I almost hate where I am, I'm almost taking small steps into being a (better?) person, and I still constantly make and repeat mistakes, as if I have learned absolutely nothing in all these years of misery.
This story is for me, for us, here’s to us, here’s to still hanging in there while being clueless and frustrated, wondering, “When will things get better? Will they ever?” I don’t know how things will turn out to be but I know, for a matter of fact, that there’s brightness on the other side of the tunnel. I know, all we need to do is hang in there. And I am trying. We are trying.
But why is hanging in there so hard? Why is it so hard to sit and keep doing your thing sometimes and NOT think about when things are going to get better. When am I going to start making more money? When am I going to date the perfect guy? When am I getting married? Will I end up alone? Will I end up not doing anything that I always wanted to do, because I was scared I would suck at it?
Here’s to breaking that barrier, here’s to overcoming that fear. Here I am, writing to you. I don’t know if this will reach you or not, but hey, at least I tried, right? And if you are reading this, then know, I just achieved something I have always wanted to. I always wanted to shape my thoughts and put them in words. I always wanted to get through to people with my words and I guess I just took a baby step towards that. So here's what I have to say to you, please, pretty please with a cherry on the top, please get going. Please take your first step to do something you’ve always wanted to. If I can do it, you can too. Here’s to us. Here’s to being clueless and taking time to figure stuff out.
We’re only human, aren’t we?