I have had many experiences in my life. At the age of 30, I think this is quite expected. There are experiences that take you to the heights of some Utopian fulfillment, and there are those that force you to build a wall around you, with each brick weighing more than the amount you can carry. But not everyone in this world gets to experience something that leaves you utterly stunned and bewildered. And the one that I am going to talk about is one such experience.
I have failed in love. Not once, not twice, but many a times. I have fallen out of love, have lost my love, and have been left heartbroken.
He came into my life when I was ready to end it for good. I could not fathom the reason to live anymore. He came as a friend, as a guide and as a strong fellow human being. I got all that I desired for; the hug, the kiss and the touch that I craved for. I could find the strong arms around me whenever I woke up every night with a jerk. The tears never reached my lips, and my eyes found a new glorious smile to look at. But there was a catch.
"Don't fall for me", he said.
There were numerous reasons for not liking him, not considering him as the person whom I wanted to be with. Those words, "Don't fall for me", are the most important ones. I loved another man at that time. My weak heart was impregnated with so much affection, which was wandering about in the emptiness, like a little girl who has lost her way in the forest.
I had got so many emotions and sadly, they had got no place in this world anymore. Was it difficult for me to force them to change their direction so that they do not reach him? Yes, it was, especially when I could find the comfort in his eyes and the warmth in his touch.
Being a strong woman, I tried checking myself.
Was it an ego problem? The answer was ,‘No’. It was mere self-respect that I gifted myself with. Alas! That was short lived. Then the inevitable happened. I fell for him.
I was no longer the cautious wolf, who was always on guard. I was no longer the calm panther, who knew how to hold her pride. I fell into a pit that I never knew existed. The care turned into hatred, the warmth turned into fire.
"You should not have fallen for me. Why did you?" were his exact words. It did not hurt, since I was too numb to feel anymore. But it threw me into an unknown place. It was a new discovery, which left me in a state of oblivion.
For the first time in my life, I was stabbed with hatred, for loving someone. I remember smiling, looking at the mirror, and convincing me that sometimes you are not allowed to love. Questions were thrown at me; accusations paved my way as well. My stronger self tried to take control, guarding the weaker one from the bitter truth. I wanted the arrows of despair to stop. So I surrendered.
I pleaded guilty of the wrong that I had done, only to stop the lashes that came in the form of words. I wasn't being true to myself, I know. But the wolf, the panther in me was long gone by then.
What is left after you are burnt down completely? Ashes? Can we bury them forever? Or does life force you to rejuvenate from them and be the phoenix that you never wanted to be? Who shall heal me?