I have always been an impulsive person since childhood. Choosing toys or making friends has always been easy for me. And the easiest part was getting detached from them. So I was happy. I was happy since I had no sad stories to relate or to cry on for hours. But one fine night changed everything. I lost my mom. After that, for almost a year I was soaked in my own world where I did not allow anyone to enter. As years passed by, I became more carefree and emotionless.
One thing which I would like to share is that I had become the joker of my own life. I started laughing, giggling with people around me but it was not coming from inside me. The inner me always wanted to be liberated, which I am still not.
Am I fooling myself? I ask this because I believe I am in love with someone. Yes, I am calling it love because, before this man, I have had many relationships but none of them worked out, and as I said I have been impulsive, so in the case of boys also I was quick enough to allow them to enter my life and also quick enough to throw them out. Why did I do so? It was all because I had not found my liberation – I was constantly searching for it. But finally, I found it. I have found someone who gives me peace. But again, here the question I have for myself is, is this true? Or is it just my illusion? Yes, I love him because my soul feels like it wants him. But what about him? Is it because now I am all done with the hustle around so I am settling for someone who does not love me, but I do right?
Every morning I wake up and say to myself, may be today, just today he might say, "Yes you are my girl".
A very impulsive girl has become so premeditated for one person who does not even feel the same. I believe this is not only me, even you people out there might have been through this kind of a situation. We all are confused in our life at certain points, we halt then again walk but after a certain radius, we restrict ourselves thinking this is it. Then we give in our 100% for it but still fail. We start blaming ourselves thinking about our past deeds and actions. But sweetheart it’s really not your fault, you are giving your best if the person is not willing to take it then stop giving. Simple as that.
Coming back to answer my own question, am I fooling myself? Well, the answer is no and you should also stop doubting yourself so much.