Love Relationships Cheating Dear Ex Boyfriend Sex

If He Can Cheat On Me, Why Can’t I?

( words)
*For representational purpose only.

We've been married for over three and a half years now and had been dating for ten years before that.

Thirteen and a half years of a loyal relationship until I came to know that my husband was cheating on me.

It was the most shocking and devastating event of my life. Feelings of anger, betrayal, rejection and abandonment rushed throughout my body and soul.

It took me hours and days and weeks to believe that the person who was so possessive about me, the person who never wanted to lose me, was lost somewhere.

The hero of the story was leaving me keeping our story incomplete.

“It’s impossible,” said everybody. “He can never cheat on you, he must be kidding to see how you react.” “Trust him, he is such a gentleman, he will never do such thing.”

Everybody trusted his loyalty towards me more than my words.

Even I started believing that it couldn't be true, it was just a stupid doubt… until finally one day, he confessed that he had somebody else in his life and he didn’t want to lose her. Hearing those words made me numb.

My love had been blind and now I wished that it was deaf too.

I was hurt, humiliated, angry, lost, scared. “STOP!” I said to myself. Cheaters cheat. Cheating is a choice, not a mistake. It’s not about boredom or dissatisfaction. I was perfect in all terms as a girlfriend, as a wife, as a life partner.

I didn’t want to torture myself with questions like, “Why me”?, “What was lacking in me?”

I didn’t want to punish myself for the mistake made by my husband.

To keep myself away from this emotional turmoil I took counselling, joined dance classes, meditation, yoga classes, gym and what not.

Over the period of the next four months I realized that being cheated on teaches you that things happen for a reason.

In the end, there’s really nothing you can do. My fate had other plans for me.

Then entered the second hero of my story. He was just a co-worker back then. He was married as well but had some problems in his married life.

Finding someone who shares your pain, suddenly makes life perfect again.

I was never the type to be unfaithful in a relationship but I was drawn to doing so. Something inside me thought, “If he did it, why shouldn’t I?”

Our current life circumstances, discontent in the ongoing relationship, attraction towards each other, destiny… all the ingredients in the recipe for an affair were present around us.

We got into a relationship for happiness, fun and presuming that we could handle this relationship without disturbing our married lives (though our married lives were already disturbed).

There are times when you meet someone outside your marriage and you feel an instant connection with them. It is not a sexual attraction at first but you feel an intense pull towards that person.

They are basically souls with whom you have unfinished business. You will experience a constant thirst to be with that person and you won't find peace unless you indulge in that person in some way.

And then he fills the void, he rearranges things, he breaks the wall and teaches you to break your own walls.

I fell in love with him in so many little ways. Even though I can’t write all of them here, I guess I will continue to fall in love with him day after day.

From being just colleagues to best friends, from sharing jokes to our secrets, from sending kiss emoticons to passionately kissing each other in reality; destiny was unfolding itself.

When he leans in to kiss me, I let him and I kiss him back. Sparks of desire light up in my stomach and the kiss gets deeper. His hand moves down from my neck to my waist and my body arches towards him, but I pull away myself.

I quickly say, “Done. Let’s go home.” He smiles and drives us back in silence.

I contemplate my next move—should I stay or should I leave?

His taste in my mouth is still sweet and my head is fuzzy with what I have done. “I just kissed a married man!” to which he replies “And I kissed a married woman!”

We both give each other a devilish smile and start kissing again. This time more confidently and passionately.

How can this bring me so much satisfaction and make me feel awful at the same time?

It has opened my eyes to why some people have affairs; people whom you wouldn’t ever expect it from.

I know keeping a physical relationship with him would be a stupid move. It would ruin my marriage and even his marriage.

Yet, I can’t stop obsessing over the way I feel when he touches me or tells me how it’s just too difficult to stay away from me. It feels so damn good. How do I stop this?

I need to be able to shut these feelings off... but can you really turn off a two-way attraction this strong?

Is it Love, Lust or just an Addiction? I think I’ll let fate decide.

But I often feel that being cheated on was the best thing that ever happened to me.

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