How I Lost My Virginity and My Faith in Love Forever...
( words)
*For representational purpose only.
I’ve always been a social person. I’ve had a lot of friends in school, and in college. And yet, I have always felt lonely. I can’t even put down my loneliness in words.
Despite having a large number of friends, I have always been the victim: from being the butt of jokes, to having my opinions completely ignored, everyone acts like I don’t exist in their universe.
When I was in my 3rd year of college, I fell in love with a man who studied at the same college as me.
Within just two weeks, we began talking a lot, and I fell for him in just two weeks. He never said that he loved me, but it didn’t matter then. I loved him a lot, and he acted like he was the best person in the world.
We met one Saturday in July 2017. He asked me if we could go and talk somewhere. Naturally, I said yes. I thought we would go to a mall or a restaurant, but instead, he had booked a hotel room without my knowledge or consent.
He said he wanted privacy when we spoke about our future and that this way, we wouldn’t be disturbed. He further added that he wanted to talk about how we would talk to our parents about our relationship.
Naturally, I believed him. I believed every single word that he said. I thought that after college, we would talk to our parents, and we’d be happy.
Once we reached the room and spoke about our future, he told me that we should make love. That he could prove his love to me. I was numb. He took off his T-shirt and started kissing me. I resisted for a while. I told him that I wanted to leave, but he kept asking me to trust him.
I felt something change within, and this time, when he started kissing me. I ignored the feelings within and convinced myself that this man was the love of my life and, therefore, this was all right. I loved him, and more so after that day together. I was sure that this was love; it couldn’t have been anything else.
But he loved me only for my body.
He used me for sex and only sex. His true instinct kicked in after we began sleeping together a lot more, and eventually, he was done with me.
I was broken, mentally and emotionally. Humiliated at myself. I couldn’t believe this had happened to me, and yet, it had, and there was no one I could blame but myself. I cried for days. Couldn’t sleep or work. I had no one to talk to.
I was depressed, unable to concentrate on my studies or on my campus placements. I was crying myself to sleep almost every night.
Slowly, I began to shut myself off from everyone. This helped, but I knew this was wrong. Occasionally, some of what happened would come back to haunt me. I got placed in a big MNC, and I’m not working with almost no distractions from my past. But since then, I haven’t trusted anyone.
I turned to books to distract me from the past, but I’m still unable to forget it entirely. I have insecurities and trust issues, and because of this, I am not even ready for marriage. I hope I can find a solution to all my problems.
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