We Didn't Know The Meaning Of Love, But Now I Fully Understand Pain

Anonymous Anonymous in Life Is Tough on 1 July, 2018

I first met her at my tuition centre. She liked me and proposed to me. At that time, we were kids.

We didn’t know the meaning of love.

She then broke up with me after 6 months. She then came back into my life when I was doing my 2nd year of engineering. She proposed to me again and I said, “Yes!” We then entered into a relationship. But I knew that she had entered into my life because all her other friends had boyfriends. Yet, I ignored this fact.

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We gradually fell in love.

We made some promises to each other and even thought of getting married in future. I introduced her to my family too. Everything was smooth sailing in our lives for a while. She would come to my house. We would cuddle with each other. We would go on dates and watch movies together. We spent a lot of quality time together. We would lie naked together but I never had sex with her because I respected her.

I never wanted to hurt her or her feelings. I have always been a lonely person. I never shared my feelings with anybody. But this girl changed it all for me.

She made me feel weak and vulnerable. I thought she would support me and would always be a part of my life. I have struggled a lot in my life. But I was happy because she would always motivate me. I just wanted to enjoy my life with her.

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Initially, she spent a lot of time with me. I was important to her. I was a priority in her life.

Time! It changes quickly doesn’t it? Dreams and ambitions can have a huge impact on a person’s life. She went on to do her BA and everything changed after that. Initially, she would spend her free time with me. But after sometime she became distant.

She just stopped spending time with me.

Now, only her college and her friends mattered to her. She could have spent time with me if she had wanted to but she decided not to do so. She broke up with me. I was completely shattered.

I did not know what my mistake was. I didn’t even know if I had done something wrong. I wanted to know why she had broken up with me. But I never got an answer to any of my questions.
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I cried. I was depressed. I was broken. I missed her every day. But she ignored my texts. I made a video on her birthday.

I never even knew that I loved her more than I loved myself until then.

She then came back. This time things were different between us. We still had the same problems. She still didn’t want to spend time with me. She didn’t want to get close to me either.

I knew the spark between us was gone. But I still tried. I thought she would change. I thought if we spent enough time with each other we would start enjoying each other’s company.

But she broke up with me after a few months again. I loved her and respected her. I had never hurt her so far. We did have a few fights but it had never been about anything serious.

We are not in a relationship anymore.
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But I miss her every day. I am finding it very difficult to move on. I can’t sleep properly. I always wonder where I went wrong. I was willing to do anything for her. I had spent all the special moments of my life with her. So I am finding it difficult to move on with my life now.

I am all alone again. I am still struggling because I have no one to share my feelings with.

Sometimes, I just wake up in the middle of the night and start crying. I had always wanted someone like her in my life. But I thought she would love me as much as I loved her. I never knew that a concept like ‘one-sided love' could blind my mind like this. I feel that the grief and the intensity of the pain that I am experiencing are very real. I know that no one else can help me out of this. Not even the person who broke my heart can relieve me of this pain.

This pain, this feeling is mine and mine alone. I know no one else will understand what I am going through because I am the only person who knows the intensity of my love for her. So I alone can understand the extremity of my pain.

Why do people do such things to others? Why do they make you feel so special and then leave you when you want them the most? Why can’t people respect and trust us the way we have always respected, trusted and treated them? I still have no answers for all these questions that come to my mind so often.

I still miss the girl I loved so much. I had changed myself for her.
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Thank you for giving me some wonderful memories. I cherished all the times that I spent with you. I want to get over all the memories but it is difficult to do this because you were always such a major part of my life.

Life somehow feels incomplete without you in it.
Author's Note:

It’s weird that one person has the ability to change our lives completely.  We feel special when we are loved but when we are treated like shit, ‘love’ becomes ‘pain’. Yet, ‘love’ is the greatest thing that can happen to people like me who have been alone all through their lives.

Editor's Note:

All through our lives, we keep searching for that single soul who understands us completely. ‘Life’ is ‘Love’ for us now. Yet ‘Time’ transforms ‘Love’ into pain and it flows out of our hearts through our tears. But ‘Time’ heals too. Our hearts do open up to love. Again. Always. Let’s share this story because until we find that perfect soul mate of ours we cannot and should not rest. Life is love. Love is life. We have to move on with both.