I’m older than you. I’m someone who has lost complete faith in relationships and love after being in numerous relationships that have always ended with the man cheating on me.
I’ve also never been thin. You drew me in by telling you how you loved me, just as I am. You told me to take a leap of faith with you. Like a fool, I closed my eyes and took that leap. Of course, only to land flat on my face- body, with a broken heart and completely injured. I stood by you when you didn’t even know what to do in your life. While you were still dependent on your parents at a time that I was doing so well in my career.
I worked 12 hours a day, yet stayed up to help you with your assignments, late at night, to help you with your assignments because you said you weren’t good in academics and I wanted nothing more than to help you get your Master’s degree and then a job so that we could start our life together.
You would find reasons to fight with me, say hurtful things to me, and yet, my support and love for you never once wavered.
I was a fool who refused to see the writings that were right in front of me.
Slowly, you began commenting on my weight. You told me you were doing it because you cared about my health. Soon, you began talking about my dressing sense, my friends, the way I spoke, the way I moved, the way I argued with you, the way I cried, the way I fought and the list went on and on.
Every time I came running to you for comfort, you would say a thousand mean things to me and turn your back on me, leaving me all alone. If you got jealous or if I failed to achieve the target that you set for me, you began abusing me. I kept thinking, no hoping, that one day, you’d realize my value and things would change for us.
Yes, you did change. You changed for the worst.
You turned into someone I couldn’t even recognize when you started working. I would catch you lying to me, hiding things from me and instead of addressing it, you found a way to put the blame on me for your actions.
You would ridicule me, say the most hurtful things and find a way to break all my confidence. And yet my stupid, god damn, stupid heart would always believe your apologies and wouldn’t stop loving you.
I don’t remember the countless nights when I cried and was all alone; especially when I was chided for not how you wanted me to be or for reacting how you wanted or expected me to react. You were excited about every other plan you make with other people, yet when it came to me you sounded like you were in literal pain in going anywhere with me.
If even once I behaved the way you behaved with me all this while, or said the same words, you would verbally bash me. I could never open my mouth in front of you, without getting scared or worried that you’d leave me.
Remember how you wouldn’t let me speak? You’d tell me shut-up or continuously disconnect the calls, ignoring my calls, blocking me everywhere on all social media platforms?
One drop of your tear makes me break down and forgive you immediately, but how could all these tears of mine make you so oblivious to my pain? Was I burden in your life? Was I a distraction that you needed? My heart is bruised and broken. I’ve lost the will to live or even love.
Why am I still hoping that you’ll realize what you’ve done? Will I be spending the remainder of my days crying, hurting and enduring this before I finally chose to stop existing?