Hey, Dad! when I was a kid, as you spoke, you hand-combed my hair. I always loved that feeling. It was better than anything. When I was a little girl, I spoke a lot with you. Sometimes I knew that it was stupid to say some things but I said it anyway.
Today, my mind has halted and I have got nothing to ask you, ever since I saw you in the pool of blood. I saw you struggling hard on the same bed where you caressed my hair. Your hugs were my favorite. Today, I hug my pillow and imagine that it's you. When you left this world, I felt empty. My legs felt weak, I kneel down on the floor and cry hard when I'm alone.
I cried and cried until my eyes were empty. I didn't just cry, I howled. Today, I lifted my glass a little bit higher to cover more of my face, when I was with my friends in the nearby coffee shop, sipping coffee and staring at a child holding her dad’s fingers firmly and smiling. However, it didn't help, my body shook as I started crying once I came back to my room.
In the hopeless moments, I decided to end my pain. I had to end my life. When I look at our pictures, I feel dizzy, I press my feet hard on the floor to keep my balance. Everything we did together comes running into my mind. You left, I realized a lot! Taking deep breaths, thinking about you, I close my eyes tightly and try to sleep. The dark ceiling looks similar to the darkness in my heart. Many a time, I whisper 'Hey Dad, I love you', my voice breaks!
I never cried in front of the people, talking about you. But before speaking, whenever I had to talk about you, I always took a breath because I knew that I was so close to crying. I felt like running away from others, back to my world, my room, and onto my bed or onto the terrace. Where I often sit quietly, thinking about you and about us. Sometimes, I felt like screaming! Most of the times, my stomach, eyes, and the heart were hurt badly. I ended up crying about everything that went wrong. I'm going through some kind of a pain from last four and half years.
On your birthday, I kept smiling at the moon and crying at the same time. Have you heard me saying, 'Hey Dad, I miss you?’ Everything in this world reminds me of you. Enjoying the view from the building, standing under the broad beautiful sky and opening my arms wide, I wonder, where you are! I heard people saying that after the death one becomes a star. Believing so, I walk up alone in the night to stare at the glowing stars and the shimmering moon. 'Hey Dad, are you there'? I question!
I'm here, shedding tears in your memories. You left me alone and my heart is paining. The sad music reminds me of you. People of your age remind me of you, their smiles and the talks. I find pieces of you in many things. I remember that last look you gave me, the way you stared at me for a minute and away from the ambulance window. 'Dad, you tried hard not to cry yet you cried.' I saw the tears rolling down to your face. I walked out silently, touching your hands gently. And then, I'm the only person who knows what happened to me in those moments. Only if I could write down all my feelings, I would write it all. But I know, no words can describe the pain I felt. 'Hey Dad,' no words can ever explain how much I miss you and love you.
You went as far as you could, far beyond the states, far beyond the countries, far beyond the world. Staring at the blank hush sky, looking at those shining stars, I wish, someday you will come back to me, as my son.