I knew her answer would be a no yet I decided to go forward with what my mind resisted and my heart persisted. It had been years since we'd last met. The little traces of communication that I could remember included some disinterested texts exchanged between us.
Obviously most of the time it was me playing the role of the initiator, only to soothe the anxiety of my stupidly beating heart.
I still remember the day we met for the first time. Her smile and childish stupidity didn't catch my eye at the first sight, it rather intoxicated me gradually, well assisted by the sedatives of her flawless beauty. She seemed to be the missing piece in my largely incomplete life. Breaking the barriers of my resistance, I let the strings of attraction tighten up around my heart.
We talked and walked for hours. Friendship is the prerequisite of long established relations. But sometimes it can be the sole reason for fatality. My growing affection towards her pricked me to say more than what was required but the inability to read her stance sapped me out every time. Maybe the truth is that deep inside I knew this proximity was a fiction of my delusionary mind or maybe I was always aware of the impending fate. This love started to seem blasphemous and friendship a little too poisonous. Drowned in confusion buoyed by my coyed and coward nature, I let the words to be said burn in despair.
Times have changed with both of us having diverted onto different paths. Yet sometimes, somewhere in the middle of the night my heart finds its way back to those buried memories. This makes me feel guilty of a crime I never committed.
Although I have moved on from something that never existed, to be honest a part of me is stuck back there in the dimensions of time. All these years her seamless ability to camouflage with seasons and my weakness to offload the burden of unanswered questions has victimized me brutally from within. Sometimes you need to revisit old wounds to get the cure. And it was time I decided to strike the last nail to get liberated from traumatizing psychological hallucinations.
It took a lot of courage to tap her name on my phone screen. I knew I was being foolish in deciding to do all this all over again. You can't expect someone to come back after moving miles away in life. She was with someone else and I was still hung somewhere with the meaningless past. But I had to do this for myself.
Somethings are often difficult to explain. Finally the little mobile established probably the last connection between us. A few pleasantries later I opened up. The element of surprise that I expected from her came up and this was when the two-sided conversation turned unilateral. My heart gushed like a waterfall revealing every feeling it had for her even now.
As every nostalgic movement came out, the burden turned lighter and lighter. I didn't care what she would think of me after all this. What was important was that the baggage was clear. Tears rolled down my eyes as emotions bled out. Before I hung up I heard the 'no' I'd expected.
All these years I burnt in one-sided love that was reminiscent to only me. Hearing the same from her mouth was like the official end to this self created schizophrenia.
I feel quite relaxed now. The truth is the moon never calls back to the wolf. The leash that tied me to illusions finally broke that very day. Sometimes we get attached to someone who doesn't feel the same. That is totally humane.
I could have turned into a psychotic stalker but chose to be the passionate lover. Love was doomed to lose and the residual friendship was murdered by me. May be I was right. May be I was wrong. Whatever the conclusion anyone might derive, at least a clear 'No' is better than years of hopeful 'Yes'.