Love - A magical word and a divine feeling. This beautiful experience is something that I missed in my life. I wondered what love was. How can we say ‘Yes this is the person I love truly madly and deeply?’
True love is accompanied by its madness.
Ever since I have known love if not experienced, I've thought of finding my true love to share my life with my partner. But I guess life has something different in store for me. Maybe better or may be worse. In any way I have to accept it.
In a world of technology and very less emotional connect, I consider myself as not a very attractive looking person plus my weight adds to this (all thanks to my hormonal imbalance issues). Yes I am working on it and getting good results. Whenever someone asked me about love and boyfriend during my college days I used to die mentally with all sorts of inferiority complex.
I used to die almost every day. I thought only beautiful girls get love and that no one would ever love me. I know I was wrong in thinking like that but I was immature then.
Days went on like this and I turned 23 when my parents started searching for the ‘Eligible groom’ for me. Let me tell you. I am 27 now and unmarried. But no more single.
People rejected me because I was overweight and some rejected me because our ‘horoscopes’ didn’t match. I still don't understand the logic behind matching horoscopes.
Out of 100 plus guys that my parents have sent my horoscope to, there was one with whom my horoscope matched but views didn't. Hence, we didn’t take any step further. I have really faced a lot of issues in these four years of "groom-hunt" and the hunt and its associated issues are still on!
My upbringing is such that it teaches me not to hurt anyone. But what I am doing right now with someone is something beyond everyone's forgiveness. I know I am committing mistakes.
After my college, when I was at home and preparing myself for various competitive exams, I fell in love for the first time but had to call it off because I couldn't hurt my parents. Yes, he was not from my caste. I personally don’t believe in the caste system. I had to take that decision even though it was hard for me. But I thank God! The other person has moved on and is happily married now.
Off late I feel I don’t have any trust in the institution of marriage. I have witnessed many such failed marriages. I have become quite cynical. I know this is wrong but that is exactly what I feel.
After my break up I joined a job and life was going well but quite monotonous, when I met this person. He was my senior at office. Happily married and now a father of a 5 month old son. Our offices were at different places and initially we talked only regarding our office work.
A few days later we exchanged our numbers, started meeting (All thanks to him who left no stones unturned to come to my place and meet me), our views matched. We started discussing things beyond work. Gradually we developed fondness for each other and one fine day he confessed his love for me.
I was aware about his wife's pregnancy then and asked him what made him feel for me when he had a beautiful wife. His prompt response was ‘I love you’. These words never sounded so magical before and I couldn't help but to speak my heart out. Yes I loved him too. With each passing day our love is growing deeper. I now know what love is now.
It surpasses all hindrances but I am not so lucky in love. I don’t doubt his love for me but I can't ask him to make me his forever. I cannot hurt two innocent souls. My love will never get a name. That’s the biggest grief of my life.
Irony is that my parents are still in search of a groom for me and I can’t stop them from doing so. These days I am taking good care of myself and also getting in shape. My parents are happy as I am getting more proposals my way. I don’t want to get married at all. I can't think of any other person. I can't imagine my life with someone else and he can't see me with someone else.
I don't know what life has in store for me. If any day for whatever reason I get married to someone, I won't be able to love that person. I will have to think of a family or in that case if I plan a family with someone I won't be able to love. Infidelity! Yes that's what I will indulge in because even if I get married, I wouldn’t be able to forget my love. He intends the same.
I don't know where my life is headed but I know one thing that he makes me feel like the happiest and prettiest girl on earth. I can be just myself with him. I deeply feel sorry for his wife and his son. I am sorry but I promise I shall never take him away from you two. And I'm sorry I can't stop loving him.