How It Feels When You Lose 'The One' And You Know You Won't Be Able To Fall In Love Again

Anonymous Anonymous in Life Is Tough on 8 June, 2017

Our relationship was beautiful. We were deeply in love. Right from the morning kisses to the late night cuddles, and all the beautiful moments in between, it was just perfect. We were inseparable. We even discussed having kids at some point, and my god, was I in love with this woman!

In my world, I built a Taj Mahal for her. Yup, the ultimate symbol of love, the Taj Mahal. You see, Shah Jahan had thousands of workers to construct one, but I was only given a pair of hands. Except that the only Taj Mahal I could make was music. An album, perhaps – one that neatly stitches those emotions that captured every aspect of our relationship, my love and affection for her.

At this point, you may wonder, what are my intentions with this woman? For all I knew, the day (her birthday) I planned to give this to her would also be the day I put a ring on her finger. The way I had imagined, after a candlelight dinner (cooked by me, of course!), we would sit at a quiet place, and I would play this album for her and then propose to her at the end. Picture Perfect. 

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We bonded over long walks at the beach. It takes time for me to open up to people, but this was just so different. I just wanted to talk to her all day. Sometimes, I’d just get lost in her smile.

It didn’t take me long to realize that she was the one. She felt the same. We were in love. Time flew by, and we couldn’t get enough of each other.

I often expressed to her, “Why didn’t we meet any sooner?” Of course, a music album is a tall order. Should have thought this through! This better be good. From my perspective, not the best start when you are a metal head and your audience loves Bollywood music. But hey! Just imagine the look on her face when I give this to her. All the effort would be worth it. By the way, if you are reading this right now, those long pauses, every time I gazed into your eyes, they triggered a tune in my head, all of which landed on this record. 

Three months in, I had a few of the songs written in my head. Would she like this song? What if she doesn’t like it? As these thoughts clouded my head, I wondered if it was the right time to start recording. A few more months of saving and I would have a decent setup to start with. A recording studio was out of the question, so I decided to setup at the very place I learnt to play, and moved back into my home from 12 years ago. The sound within those walls took me back to the time when I started to learn music. Wake up early, start recording, go to work, and again pull in a late night shift for recording.

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331 days. Yeah, that is how long it took me to write the album. One more thing. She broke up with me. Halfway through the writing process, she walked out of our relationship.

I could have stopped writing the album the moment she left me, but I didn’t. Everything felt different now. The whole process was just exhausting. Waking up early, thinking about our time together, start recording, going to work, and again pulling in a late night shift recording. We may have broken up, but I still loved her. 

Her birthday was coming up. My heart and soul went into making this album. I sat down, looking at this album cover (all handmade by the way), put in the CD and a small note wishing her. Secretly, I was hoping we would reunite. I could almost imagine, telling this story to our kids one day. And then came the big question? Do I give this to her now? What if she has moved on? What if she has found someone else? I decide to take the plunge. 

This is the day. It’s her birthday. I hope she has received my gift. I anxiously wait for her call. It’s a working day, maybe I should wait till the evening. It's 3 in the night, but she hasn’t called. Maybe she didn’t receive it? What if she received it, but did not want to open it? What if she opened it, but didn’t like it. This was my biggest fear. What if she didn’t like it?

Fast forward two months, and I haven’t heard from her. The music was average at best. Yeah, that could be the reason. Perhaps she didn’t realize the effort that went into making that Taj Mahal.

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A “Thank you” would have been nice? And then I was confronted with the glaringly obvious, maybe our love wasn’t real? I couldn’t believe this was happening. If you ever meet me in real life, I’m certain that I won’t come across as an expressive person, but I went out of my way for this girl. Because I loved her, and she loved me. At least that is what I thought. My reality had been tampered with lies. The only person who loved and cared for me dearly didn’t even want to talk to me anymore. 

I couldn’t handle this blow. My heart sank and I slid into depression. I couldn’t take it anymore. I left my home. I quit my job. I stopped talking to my friends. I left everything hoping that walking away from it all would somehow end this misery. No one knows about my experience. Not even the closest of my friends and family.

People around me think I have gone crazy to leave a well-settled life. I have to keep making these lame excuses when people ask me about why I left. I keep a very low profile now. Mostly, I spend time inside my room. I don’t go out. Loud metal music in my headphones all day keeps me distracted from my past. Reading about the experiences of others on this forum, I sincerely empathize with people who have been wronged. But I have not written this to get back at the person. I have simply talked about my love for her. Breakups affect people in many ways. Some get over it easily, or find someone new. Then there are those who can’t deal with it.

I’m 27 now. I know where my life is headed.

I wonder if somewhere in a parallel universe, we might have ended up together. “Honey, I have something for you”, I would have said to her sitting across the table. “For the past year, I have been taking time to make this album for you. This is our baby and I want you to have it. Consider this as a glimpse of love and affection I have always had for you”. I can only imagine the look on her face. We would then spend the next hour listening to the album. Before every song, I would explain to her what the song meant. I’d try and capture our time together, and it has all the highs and all the lows.

At the end, we would be sitting with our hands held together, gazing into each other’s eyes as I would take out this ring and propose to her. My only wish is if I could have been there to witness that moment. 
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I can’t seem to recollect her voice now. But sometimes I meet her in my dreams. My dreams are my happy place. Because in it, we are still together. Until you wake up and reality strikes.

Hours before I was about to leave town, all that I could think about was our time together. With that, came this sudden urge to meet her. I knew this was the only chance, and that I could never see her again. I had some of her stuff lying with me and kept it till the last moment, hoping that I would get to meet her. I kept looking at the door in front of me, waiting for her to show up. It was time to leave. I was shattered.

I have always believed that you find true love only once in a lifetime. Yes, I am one of those. I may never be able to get back that excitement and tingling sensation of love with another person. Even if I do find someone, I will never be able to trust them. And that very thought saddens me. 
Author's Note:

You lose a part of yourself when you go through what I did. How can someone in love with you, just walk out of your life and say they don’t love you anymore. Was I crazy to think that she would ever come back? Or was all of it just a big lie? Right about now is the lowest point in my life. Have they invented a machine that can erase memories from our past? Please help me erase those years of my life.

Editor's Note:

Love is the one feeling that makes us or breaks us. And when the latter happens, we wonder for the rest of our lives about how things would have been if it were otherwise. Share this story if you believe that love comes to you with millions of dreams and hopes, and breaks you into millions of pieces when it leaves.