Ok, finally I am here, writing my thoughts out. I have always been a closed-book type of person because somewhere, I have internalized that showcasing your pain gives immense happiness to your enemies. I prefer smiling always in front of everyone as tears, grief, and sorrow is not a solution- it only worsens everything.

I was brought up in a very loving family, as an only daughter with an elder and too-caring brother. I have always been treated as a little princess by my dad who literally showers his heartbeats over me.

Five years back, to add a cherry to the cake, I was married to a man who is not any less careful than my dad in loving me. It was a love-cum-arranged marriage: love from his side and arranged from mine.

I am blessed to have him as my husband and in-laws are equally loving towards me. It feels great seeing my married cousins envying me for my no-pain life.

This was all that destiny planned for me. But now comes what I planned for myself. I never dreamt of big finances, holidays and other luxuries. I always wanted a family, a closely knitted family just the way I had. Husband-wife-son and a daughter.

Since I was 13 or 14, when i understood the meaning and importance of marriage, I desperately wished to had that “hum do hamare do” family. Four years back, I had a beautiful daughter. Though I secretly wished for a son as I have an elder brother, I was happy that it was my first child. The years passed full of joy with our daughter.

Then three years later, I again conceived. It was a perfectly planned conception with a lot of swaying inputs. But as we say, one cannot fight with God’s plan. It was a daughter again.

My mother-in-law and my husband showed the world that everything was fine but I know even they were set back. I could sense a cold welcome by everyone’s behaviour. Honestly speaking, I was the most affected person. My dream of my perfect family was broken. I felt as if everything had come to an end.

I never prayed for anything else in my life, but for this, I never let any moment pass without this prayer on my lips and in my heart.

It took me a month to regain my strength, to hold back my tears and I asked my husband “Will I get my son ever?” And he said, “Yes, definitely.” I asked “A third child in today’s age?” and he replied, “we have to give up many comforts to fulfil our dreams, and this will be for your dream”

I don’t know what the future holds for me. I am just waiting for some years to pass and then I’ll see if tiredness from raising two kids or the desperation to have a mixed gender family wins.

I want both, both and both: son and daughter. I love dressing up my daughters, especially their hair-do part, but whenever I go for my daughters' shopping, I stop by boys section.

I find those little suits with a bow fascinating. Whenever I come across Facebook posts of my friends giving birth to a boy, a gloom passes through my mind. I want my daughters to have a brother as I do, it is the best feeling. I don’t know how to deal with it.

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