Indian Marriages Are Made In Hell

Anonymous Anonymous in Culture Shock on 21 August, 2017

People say, that life changes drastically after marriage and this happened with me too. In my career as a healer and a counselor, I come across many married women. And every time I listen to them, I recall my own story.

The day one after my marriage was like I am not "ME" anymore. No one bothered to know what I wanted or what I liked but they were busy bombarding me with their "Gyan" about their family rituals and values. First came my Sister -in-law who asked me to cover my head with the "saree pallu" till there were guests in the house. I, like a small child, obeyed her command. Then came my darling Sasu Ma, instructing me to cook something in the kitchen. But to my luck, my cousin sister came to my rescue and helped me.The next day, as we (me and my husband) were supposed to go to Delhi where he worked, my

The next day, as we (me and my husband) were supposed to go to Delhi where he worked, my sasu ma came and said, "You stay here for 10 days, let him go and I will come along with you to drop you to Delhi." So I am a newly married bride, got only one night to spend with my husband, did not even go to the honeymoon, and now this 60 year old lady having enjoyed all the pleasures of life, asks me to stay back. And then go along with her to my own house. But finally, my husband came to my rescue and told her that both us will be leaving on the same day.So for one

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So for one month things were alright. But then came my Sasu ma to stay with us for 2 long months. At that time, we were living in a very small flat with just 2 rooms. So she expressed her wish to sleep with us, in our bedroom. And so for the next 2 months it was three of us in my bedroom.The story didn't end here, it was just the beginning. Slowly, my husband started questioning and mocking at each belief system of mine. Some way or the other he would show his disgust towards my family. He would lament me with me having the wrong upbringing, wrong value system. And he considered his thoughts,

The story didn't end here, it was just the beginning. Slowly, my husband started questioning and mocking each belief system of mine. Some way or the other he would show his disgust towards my family. He would lament me with me having the wrong upbringing, wrong value system. And he considered his thoughts, values, and beliefs as the most admirable and worth following. I was not as smart and self-sufficient at that time as I am today. I was like a small kid, who didn't know the right and wrong. 

I was like a small kid, who didn't know wrong from right. I didn't want my parent's name to get maligned. 

I didn't know what to do or say, so that my husband and in-laws did not find faults in my family. I tried to implement whatever he thought was right. I started to behave the way he thought would be right. I stopped going to my parents' house, because according to my in-laws, I should go to my in-laws' place first and then to my parents' place. (My parents' home and in-laws' home is in same city).

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They would find faults in my sleeve-less kurtis and asked me to take dupatta all the time. They didn't like the idea of me wearing pyjamas or shorts in the house. Soon I went to my parents' home, but they'd call me back for some work or the other.

Gradually, I got so frustrated listening to all the crap about my family, and my values that I stopped going home. I stopped talking to my family. Every time I got angry at my husband (for something he didn't do), he would say it's not you but the values that have been given to you. For every burst of anger of mine, he would not consider that he would have done something, but he would bring my upbringing in the argument.

I was in utter confusion. I really didn't know what to do. I had been in this soup for around 5 years. Then I realized, fault was not with me, it's with the way he looked at life. I could not change the way he perceived the world. But why should I become "That", which I am not. 

After being "NOT ME", for 5 years. I showed the middle finger to their perception towards me or the people in my life. Today I give a damn to what they think about my parents, family or me. After all who the hell are they! What best will happen if they think or speak good about my parents or my values. Nothing will change. It was only my low self worth that led these people to put me into a mold of an ideal wife and an ideal Bahu.

I realized I need not become an ideal wife or bahu, rather I will become a good person who knows how to love and respect her life.

I realized that people try to control you because you give them that right. I realized true happiness lies in "Being Me" rather than seeking happiness in approval from other people. No matter what you do, people ought to put you down because this is what makes them happy. Your happiness does not make them happy at all. Because they have never learnt to feel happy for others.

Author's Note:

This is my advice to all the ladies who think that marriage is Heaven. It can be heaven only when you create a heaven within. Only when you respect yourself, love yourself that you will get the same from outside. Never waste your energy in proving yourself to be "Good Wife" or "Good daughter- in law". Try to be a good person because that will benefit not only you, but the whole world at large. 

We all play different roles in our lives, but do not let one role take over you so much that you forget your worth and your real self. Be balanced in your approach towards life and relationships. Don't live in accordance with what the society expects from you, but do that which really makes you happy.

People will always try to put you into a certain mold, because they don't know freedom. They can live with freedom and they do not like to see free people. But the real happiness lies in being free and doing what you like. Living up to someone's expectations is like living someone else's life. No matter how hard you try to live such a life, you will never feel fulfilled and complete.