I’m a 26-year-old Muslim girl with a lot of big dreams.

My life has been full of sadness since I was four years old. My mother passed away when I was 12 and my father when I was 22. I’m the youngest in my house and while I was brought up in a home filled with happiness and dreams, things changed once they left my sister and me.

After my studies, I decided to go abroad because my sister was already there. I thought it was the right way to start a fresh life. But that was one of my biggest mistakes.

I got a job there almost immediately. I got a low salary, but I joined the company because I didn’t want to go back. I didn’t mind though; I was living a great life and soon, I got attracted to a colleague there. I began falling for him and I know he was interested in me too. We used to spend time in my room together, I never let him cross any boundaries though, I was well aware of my culture and values.

One day, I decided to talk to my sister about him, but it was then that I harshly realized that he was a married man. I lost all my confidence and didn’t know how to deal with this mess.

I was fat, during this time, and to stay strong, I decided to join a gym. I lost nearly 25 kgs in six months. I started loving myself and my life and I realized that this breakup could possibly have been the best thing I needed.

One day, a childhood friend came into my life and I don’t know why or how, but I fell madly in love with him. Our love grew stronger, each day, and we began talking, over the phone, over video calls and it was wonderful.

Six months later, my ex-boyfriend tried to reach out to me and I was shocked. Before I could decide what to do about this, my sister read his messages. She told one of our common friends and he questioned me about this, after all, he was still a married man.

I was scared and I didn’t know how to tell my boyfriend about these messages. And so I didn’t.

Unfortunately, he found out and after a huge fight, he blocked me from everywhere. I tried to reach out to him through different phone numbers and other ways, but nothing worked.

Finally, six days later, I spoke to a friend of his. This friend of his went and told his mother about us. But none of this worked. He didn’t want to talk to me and he said he was done with me.

After almost only two months, I could get in touch with him. But it was a rude conversation and he told me to leave him alone.

I was upset, hurt and disoriented. I wanted to end things, my life. But I failed there also.

After all of this, he would reach out to me on some days. He would ask me to come online and send him videos of me naked. I did everything that he asked me to do because I hoped that one day, all of this would lead him back to me.

I was so wrong.

A few days later, he texted me and told me that he’s getting engaged. He told me to stop contacting me after this conversation and to try not to ruin his marriage. I yelled at him, I asked him why he played with my emotions like this, especially when he knew that he wouldn’t ever marry me.

He told me that he accepts his faults and even apologized, but he’s done talking to me.

I cried and cried, I just didn’t know what to do.

I send him a thousand messages, but he didn’t reply to any of them. He changed his id’s and his number too. I hate myself for loving someone who used me like a tissue. I wish he could understand me and accept me, somehow… I know I can’t live without him. 

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