The biggest mistake of my life was that I was born; born as a girl and that to the third and the youngest of three siblings. It is not because my family was expecting a boy, after having two beautiful daughters.
It is because I broke their first expectation of getting a boy and yet, they accepted me.
They loved me even more than my elder siblings. It didn’t matter how I looked or what I did, I was always pampered, not only by my parents but by my sisters too. I was always treated like a princess.
I don't know when I started feeling suffocated by the amount of care and attention I received at home.
Everybody was protective of me. They let me live in my own illusionary world, though sometimes, I did get a reality check. However, that was only momentary and I’d be back into my world.
I was always considered a kid who needed directions to take every single step in life.
That’s how I was. I asked my parents and sisters before doing anything. I gave them every single detail about myself. And I was expected to do this forever.
I was expected to follow everything. I did understand that no one in my family would suggest anything that was wrong for me.
I was asked to return home before it got dark outside. I was told to keep them informed about my whereabouts and tell them about my plans with my friends almost a week before going out with them.
No sudden plans were allowed. This is how I grew up, with lots of love and care.
My dad never wanted to lose sight of me. If I had to go out, I was expected to be back by the time I’d promised or he'd get worried.
I got whatever I asked for; books clothes, money, shoes, bags, and accessories. Everything was first-hand.
In short, I was allowed to live my life in the way I wanted but in a protected, well-organized and properly customized (according to my family’s wishes) environment.
I was not allowed to cross the line that they felt was safe for me. However, they didn't realize that they couldn’t protect me forever, as they wouldn’t be with me always. I needed to be on my own someday.
Their care, affection, and concern changed into possessiveness and I became a completely dependent person.
I became a highly emotional person with no life goals, no targets and no hint of maturity. Then the worst thing happened.
All of a sudden, they wanted me to become independent because they were worried about getting me married. I’d never even thought of working somewhere. But I got a job after I completed my graduation.
For the first time, I enjoyed the freedom.
I had to make my own decisions. I met many people; good, bad and horrible and I started understanding the concept of “tackling” humans, which can be a tiring job.
I started understanding terms like "office politics", "dominating bosses", "sugar-coated words", "selfish people" etc.
I was slowly getting a sense of independence. At the age of 27, I finally knew how to deal with people; good or bad.
I could understand their motives though not immediately but eventually. I started growing as a person but my family’s notion of me never changed.
For them, I am still a kid who had to be protected from everything and everyone.
During this journey, I fell in love with a boy from another religion. I thought I had the right to decide for myself.
I knew religion would be a problem though I never knew why.
My family tried stopping me but I couldn’t help falling in love. Some things just happen even though they are not meant to.
But I don't regret falling in love because he is the perfect man for me.
Unfortunately, my family has other views about him. Today, I can’t leave my family nor can I leave him. Both are important to me and I wish they could understand it.
I have no right to hurt my family when I’ve always let them down.
I’ve never lived up to their expectations nor done anything for them except respond to their love. On the other hand, I’ve promised my life to somebody else and I don't want to back out. I don't want to betray him.
Earlier I thought I could but now I feel there is no way that I can bring them together.
For now, I just want to stay alone. I don’t want anyone around me.
I've ruined everything that seemed beautiful. At least the others were at peace and I could fake my happiness even when I actually felt suffocated.
I always thought that I could get everything but I know that I’ll never get the love and care I got from my family again.
I can't decide for myself because my decisions have always been immature. They are the result of my imaginary world.
It has been rightly said, “When reality hits, it hurts.”
The effect is the worst on a person who has never experienced reality and has her own version of a happy and peaceful world.