I believe people don't get what they dream of, in case of relationships, and also if you are too shy to explore the best of people, maybe hidden somewhere.
Being a typical Indian girl I always knew I would go for an arranged marriage and I accepted the idea since childhood. Then came the boyfriend phase during college. The boy was my close friend so I fell for him. He was sweet and funny. We spent happy and sad times together. But remembering those days I knew we had understanding problems.
The day he hit me in anger was the day I sensed something won't work out. But I stuck to him because he was my "soulmate" and our pair was "made in heaven"! We fought a lot and then forgot the next day. Things were going fine, but then started the "distance relationship" phase.
After a year, an astrologer casually told me that if I was in a relationship, it would be over, and miracle! It got over around the same time! It was just a verbal fight which made the difference.
I tried for a whole month to resolve this, but that tiny love story was wiped out forever.
I lost my life, my soul, my belief that 'no matter what, we will return, because true lovers can't live away for long'. He was a good person and I was very serious about him, then why? Was it ego? Was it fate? If it was fate then why me? I was honest, I was innocent.
I had to feel the pain for years. I couldn't think of doing anything in life. I lived like a dummy doll. I imagined ways of dying but my parents mattered to me. Yes. I realised, it's not anybody else but my own family that I had to live for. My life means something to only my parents and family.
I still couldn't stand up to do something great in life, but I did as much as I could to live normally. My education and my dream jobs never matched so again, I was never out of depression, but I somehow trained my mind to be happy.
Soon I found new men in my life, I had very deep connections with them, that soothed my soul eventually. I used to stay happy with them but I had to keep this in mind that I cannot marry them since there were cultural differences and other Indian beliefs coming in between. I wondered then why do people talk about love, when they can't decide to keep them in their lives forever? Is it only men who are scared of the society? Women are just stronger when they make up their minds, I suppose.
Well all this led to the arranged marriage search. It drained my heart and soul so much since I couldn't find someone to connect with at all! After months of search I had to give in, since my parents were blaming me for not liking any guy I met.
Finally I decided to marry the next guy I met. So it happened, the marriage happened. The husband is a good man but we have nothing in common that leads to uncomfortable conversations everyday.
My soul was dead already, hence, everything happening now does not scare me. I am just alive. Maybe if I find love in this relationship soon, my dead heart will mend someday. But I am still waiting, I am still hopeful.
The only positive feeling I got from all this is, I am a much stronger person now. I know how to say 'no' to men. I am strong enough to understand another person and help them. I can also love but not blindly.
Above all I love to make others happy since life maybe dropping lemons on everyone, so why not present just little moments of joy to them.
But my inner-self keeps screaming for answers.