I’m writing this down today as I find myself experiencing a few moments of honesty, mixed with bliss and joy. It’s rare, for me at least, this moment of pure self-reflection. I was on my way to work this morning when a Facebook notification popped up on my phone.
Pranati is getting married. She’s a childhood friend… well, to be honest, my first love too. I was one of the 19 friends she had invited. I have mixed feelings about getting this message. It doesn’t have to do with her, but thinking about her got me introspecting about all my relationships that I’ve had.
There was the one with her, Pranati, then others in school, college, during my MBA and even when at work.
I must state, I’ve been in love with them all. Yet it’s strange how these relationships turn out in the end. A few of them, taught me how to love unconditionally and use love as a strength in my life, while others have led to me to find the next big thing in my life.
Each time, these amazing women have brought about a sense of “forever” in my world and have been a positive addition to my growth in a subtle, yet lasting way.
But along with these cravings, came aversions. I would enjoy it the most, when one of these cravings, these women, would turn into an aversion. Each time, it was a new trend, but on the same cycle. I have been tied down with this process, making these relationships a big part of my life.
They inflicted heart-wrenching pain but with it, there was a pleasure. And I reckon, that’s the dangerous part.
Yet, even when I look back at all my lovely ladies, who have moved or will be married in the future, I find that the madness that I once exuded for them was linked to time, or well, karma.
Of course, I still act mad at times, but just a realization of this is what’s surprising me today. Relationships have bound me enough in the entanglement of cravings and aversions till date.
The moment I tapped on to this realization, my mind feels hollow and empty. But in a good way. It’s a feeling that has given me a momentary taste of freedom, and this, I will tell you, is the most cherished of all desires.