I still can’t help but wish that some day, I’ll be able to look at the man I call my father proudly in his eyes and say — “You’re my father”. He made me see things as a kid that hardly any son or daughter should dare to see as an adult, he tried doing things that no loving father could do to his son, he did everything possible to ruin my childhood and adulthood. All this for a woman who I’m glad wasn’t my mother.

My life had been a chaos as far as I can remember. At the age of nine, my parents sent me to a hostel, the memories of which still haunt me in my sleep. I remember how I used to shiver at the thought of going back to hostel after every vacation. My parents were funny that way, they never noticed my misery.

My seniors ragged me mercilessly; some even sexually assaulted me. At the tender innocent age of nine I was introduced to brutal forced sex. The comfy security of home was lost to me forever. When I called my parents and begged them to take me home, they asked me to stay at the hostel and face the circumstances to be manlier.

They did not even bother to listen to me properly.

Even today, I wonder how my parents expected a nine year old boy to be manlier in such a situation. Little did I know of the problems surfacing at home. My father’s business was sinking and I was not surprised as he had never even shown any fatherly responsibilities towards his four kids, forget his business. My grandfather had always been like my father and that always scared me — not even in my dreams could I imagine myself to be like him. In fact, I think I need to thank him for the way I have turned out today. It wouldn’t have been possible had he not treated me like sh*t as a kid.

Finally after the suffering at the place I would like to call hell on earth, I returned back home only to find that things had gone from bad to worse. There were ugly fights between my parents. They fought even in front of us. My father had strayed away from the family and my mother was struggling to hold the family together.

One day my mother asked me to go to someplace with her. We walked into an apartment and she had a stoic expression. As we rang the bell, an unknown lady opened the door and my mother took my hand as she bashed inside. The lady tried to stop us from entering; my mother pushed her aside and continued walking with me following her.

What I saw next is still very fresh in my memory. How can it not be — I saw what no son or daughter should see of their father.

My father was in a drunk state. He had been going out with that unknown lady. The truth dawned upon me – my father had been cheating on my mother. My mother was furious; she was screaming hysterically and beating up my father while the lady tried to push her away; my mother even tried to jump out of the window; the lady even tried to stab her and I pushed her aside; my father caught the lady, hugged her and tried to calm her down while he did not even bother to look at us. I don’t remember how I forced my mother to get home safe that day.

Things at home got even worse. There were more fights between my parents for obvious reasons and none of my siblings knew anything. Lucky them, I thought every day. My father stayed away from the family while my mother began to drown herself in religious activities. Now my dad held a special grudge against me as I knew his darkest secret now.

During this time I met the love of my life. My father hated me so much by then that he went to the extent of breaking my relationship many times. Once I graduated, my father took me up on a project of his, promising me a job. The project was in another country and we were to stay at a hotel. Only when we reached, I realized that we were to share the room with the other woman and her children. I fought with him but in vain.

That night he made me sleep on the floor while he shared the bed with her shamelessly. The agony I went through that night cannot be described in words.

There was nothing I could do but obey him as I was in a different country, helpless. In few days’ time, I managed to get back home. He had made me promise that I would not tell my mother anything about what had happened at the hotel. I was in a dilemma as I wanted to inform my mother but was scared of her reaction. Now that I knew more of his dirty secrets, he kept harassing and blackmailing me about ruining my relation with my girl. After many fights with my father, he agreed for my wedding as the rest of the family also supported us. Even after our marriage, my father couldn’t let me live my life in peace. His ego didn’t allow him to see me have a happy life; he just couldn’t digest the fact that his son was living a life he could only dream of having, because he had murdered his life himself.

He tried to screw up my job, and when I lost my job he enjoyed having me work under him; he even created situations where we lost almost everything.

Today, I am building up a new life with my wife and kids, far away from the reach of my father. I will never ever let my father’s shadow fall on my children, not in this life at least. I don’t know why he did what he did, he didn’t have to.

All I know is the fault of two adults adversely affected my life.

Whatever adults do, it somewhere leads to the children paying the price. I am a grown up now but my past haunts me still. If I had received enough care and attention from my parents during my childhood, my life would have been much better. Now, my father has become a grandfather yet he ignores his responsibilities towards my children. He is still busy running after the other woman.

As a father, I have promised my children that I will never be a father I grew up with. I love my father in heaven; but I hate my father on earth. I hope he loses his ego one day before he shuts his eyes and finally be a father to us at least for a day with a clean heart.

For in the end all we have left with us are memories and hopefully they wouldn’t be so bitter.

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