I am thankful that I have a loving family and a few great friends. But I am still struggling with the fact that my life will never be the same again. I have everything in my life now but I don’t have him.

For three long years, I believed that he was my soul mate. I am finding it difficult to cope without him now.

Initially, he was more of a mentor than a friend to me. It was so genuine. There were no romantic feelings between us at that time. He helped me deal with my problems and was always there to guide me. We chatted online for a few weeks and then exchanged our numbers. We then started chatting on WhatsApp.

He would woo me, make me laugh and our conversations were endless.

We finally met at a mutual friend’s birthday party. We both clicked photos of the first moment that we spent with each other. That night was truly unforgettable. When I came back home I saw his message.

It said, “I like you.” I sarcastically asked him if he was joking. So he controlled his feelings for me.

We then started chatting endlessly. We would text each other from morning till night and our bond became stronger than ever.

After several weeks I confessed that I had started falling for him. He blushed when I told him this. We did meet quite frequently. We did fight a lot but it never affected our bond.

One day I realized that he would never move ahead with our relationship because he could never overcome his past experiences. Yes, he had dated a girl. She was his first love and he could never forget her.

He had really tried to move on from that relationship but he couldn’t.

I was hurt when he told me this. I knew he would never be mine but I felt bad to know that he had gone through so much in his life. After listening to him, I told him that nothing in our relationship had changed after his confession.

I then told him that I loved him even more for being so truthful about the whole thing with me. I then decided to help him forget his past. I thought I could make him move ahead in his life with my love.

A few months passed this way. I then realized that all these years I had kept trying to be perfect for him in every way. But not once had he told me that I was perfect the way I was or that he accepted me as his good friend.

I realized that I had come a long way with him but that was not enough for me.

He would always say that I should move on with my life because he was not my cup of tea.

But I would never move on because I truly loved him.

There was a time when both of us decided to draw a line to the times we had shared and leave each other. But he knew I wouldn’t be able to leave him.

He knew he was my weakness.

I told him that I couldn't live without talking to him. I begged him to be a part of my life. I knew I was young and immature and I pleaded with him and asked him not to part ways with me. I told him I was in love with him.

He knew he was the only one for me. I thought he would stick with me through thick and thin.

Sometimes he would tell me that I didn’t love him. I would feel so bad when he could not see my efforts of making him fall in love with me. At such times this is what I would say to myself, “I am sorry I loved you. I am sorry I let you into my life. I am sorry I let you touch me. I am sorry for not letting you go from my life.”

Despite saying all this to myself I would hope against hope that I could create a future with him. He was the one who had made me realize that love is not what you see but what you feel.

We had been friends for over 3 years now and I felt alive all through this time because I shared a ‘feeling of togetherness’ with him. I went out of the way to make him fall in love with me but he just brushed all my love away with his words.

I stood my ground and told him that I loved him more than I loved myself.

And one fine day, his lips met mine. But they were hard. I could feel the flavour of tangerine on my taste buds. But it was not his mouth that was making demands on my heart that day. It was the dark glint in his eyes. And as the sun went down that day my heart got the love that it was yearning for. I could feel his rhythmic breath when he undressed me so beautifully. Our bodies expressed the love that was buried in our hearts.

I had always wanted to give him more love than he wanted.

I thought I had the potential to give him so much love. I knew I could go to any lengths to show him how much I loved him.

I thought he would be able to see me and know me as a person if I expressed all my love for him.

In vain. All my efforts were futile.

He told me the same thing. He said he couldn’t love me.

I have lost myself now. I almost die a little every day. Even today I am dying to get his love.

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