I Have Been Pushed Around By My Own Friends, But I Still Don't Want To Lose Them

Anonymous Anonymous in Your Story on 14 March, 2018

Introverts - There's this thing about them that makes them shy away from any kind of attention, be it good or bad.

They are used to processing everything within their head and hardly say anything. Yes, I am one of them. I have been labelled as someone with attitude, who is headstrong, egoistic and what not, just for one simple reason - I don't talk/express myself well. Yes, I care a lot about people and their feelings but have not been able to show it because of my nature. Is it unacceptable to not be talkative? Maybe yes on some occasions. It hasn’t been easy. There have been times when people have taken me for granted. I have been used in the name of friendship but I couldn't say a thing because I could not afford to lose anyone from the small circle of friends I have. I tend to get uncomfortable when there are people around. I have also experienced the feeling of being lonely in a crowd. I have often run out of words to continue a conversation. I've been questioned by friends for not talking and staying silent.

What they do not realize is that I'm just struggling within.
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My struggles are slowly building up on me. At times, I've intentionally skipped social gatherings because I get the feeling of being judged by others for how I walk, sit, eat, talk, what I say and whom I talk to. I have fallen low on self-confidence at times. I have felt that nobody loves me or understands what I am going through. I wish someone would help me, just walk with me and say “It's going to be alright”, but then I remind myself that this happens only in fairy tales or movies. How can someone help me, when I myself do not know what I am going through? There have also been times when I have wanted to just be in the company of people and talk a lot. I have a kid inside me and long as I don't let that kid die, I am very comfortable being the person I am. I may not be very expressive or vocal, but I can think and face problems much better than any of the so-called extroverts. I don't hold grudges, I don't b***h about people and I am very happy with my loneliness. Sometimes I feel like I'm being trapped somewhere but am unable to realize what the trap is. At other times, I am unable to convert my emotions into words. I tend to think a lot about everything about me under the sun and probably that is what is driving me insane most of the time.

On some days, I laugh more than normal and on others, I cry helplessly.

I doubt everything around me including myself. I have an anxiety where, every time I think of myself, I feel the negativity of something harmful happening around me all the time. At times, I’ve just waited for days to pass and nights to end. Maybe someday I will be able to break open this shell and free myself from this state of mind!

Till then, I am my own best friend.
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