I Broke My Engagement And Shamed My Family For A Man Who Pushed Me Into Depression

Karishma Borkakoty Karishma Borkakoty in Your Story on 8 February, 2017

I am not writing this to get any likes or sympathy, it is just because I’m torn and I don’t want anyone to make fun of me for my flaws and most importantly, for being depressed. Yes, you heard it.

I am depressed and tired of pretending to be happy when I am not.

For my friends, I am supposed to be content because I have everything a girl needs in her life — a good job with a decent salary, a lover, an independent life and lots of friends to party with. Agreed, I have these things to keep my spirit high but deep down I am hungry for something that I am not able to figure out. While scribbling random calculations inside my head, I have got one reason that may be the cause, I am an introvert.

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I share less, talk less and keep to myself. I wasn’t an introvert as a child. I transitioned into one, thanks to the rancorous situations created by my own people. Like everyone else, I do have a story that relates to my current situation.

Back in 2011 during my engineering days, I fell in love with my classmate but my parents had already fixed my engagement with a guy, who was a family friend. I didn’t have a reason to say no for this match as I was quite comfortable with the guy and his family. But as you know it, life can’t always be a bed of roses, and I became the thorn in my own life. I just couldn't help myself from expressing my feelings for my classmate and our love raged like fire, even though we both knew this relationship would break soon.

As the saying goes, love is blind, we both were blindfolded by stupid crazy love that had no boundaries. Yes, I was guilty of cheating on my would-be husband but sometimes you decide to ignore the din and gulp your guilty morsels down your starving foolish heart. I just did that and kept going.

Many times, I would tell him that this relation won’t work, let’s break up, but he just wouldn’t listen and his stubbornness had drowned me completely and I gave in to his stand. I was in a situation where I had surrendered and left everything to God.

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Finally, the day of my engagement came and I was dreading it, well there are no words to describe my emotions on that day. Like a five-year-old kid, I kept crying, and my relentless crying reached my mother whose BP spiked up.

She was like, “Don’t humiliate us in front of everyone, you had time but you didn’t speak up” and with that statement, my mother shut me up.

Yes, I didn't speak about my relationship with my family, I was scared, scared as I had always seen my dad’s anger that could create a havoc in anyone’s life. I still can’t describe that particular moment, what came over me, or what drove me to cancel my engagement. In front of some hundred people, I called off my engagement. I was broken and seeing my parents’ hanging in shame, I felt like committing suicide. Such was my situation. But as they say, time heals everything, my parents have forgiven me but my bond with them has gone sour and we talk less. I now can’t make fun of my dad’s moustache or tease my mother for her terrible recipes. I miss being a daughter to my parents.

This incident took a toll on me and I became reticent in my love life. Well, we were happy for some time, but as soon as I got to know that he was dating his old school crush. Can you imagine the damage on me? I was numb. The word ‘’trust’’ would give me chills. I felt terrible. I had nothing to share, I just wept and became a lunatic. I failed most of my subjects in college and screwed up most of placement offers.

I became a vagabond quite aimless in life. I wanted his name, his everything to go out of my memory completely, but how could I just un-love somebody whom I have loved truly and deeply. I’m sure many of us know how it feels like. But somehow I gathered the broken pieces again and decided to clean the clutter and dump all the rotten memories and shield myself with my self-created anti-guys tag, ”NOT INTERESTED” for guys who seemed interested.

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I landed a decent job, got my friends back but somewhere I'm still starving. Starving for love and care but very cautious this time. My faith or let me say my weak heart is quite shameless, it is so used to s**t that it keeps inviting s**t. This person who broke my heart seemed interested again in me. What a miracle for my shameless heart, it was about to get its love potion again. He, for some reason, was back in my life and I accepted him without much drama and tears.

I made the same mistake again, I “trusted” him. Like a kid, I split open my heart and talked about how much I missed him without asking whether he missed me too. Love makes you question your own mental state.

I mean how can you be so tough on yourself, how could you allow someone to harm you again when your old wounds were still oozing blood?  Now, my life was complete, a good job, a long lost lover, friends, and I had everything that a girl "needs" to be happy. But as they say old habits die hard, I found this guy lying to me again, this time a sophisticated lie and presented in an intricate way so that it looks like truth.

I caught him cheating again, I had a nervous breakdown. I am helpless, I just can’t stop loving him irrespective of his flaws, his infidelity and everything that make me hate him. I am not okay with my parents and my friends have delineated from my life since I have shut myself again to the world.

Now I live for and with my pen and paper and life seems like a thorn. I fear sharing things with someone or getting close to anyone. It makes me sick and I don’t know if this has an end. People advise me, "Forget and move on" but I wish it were that simple.

Lurking in darkness, I still wait for that day when my life will again be painted like a rainbow and this time with colours that can stay for long.
Author's Note:

Though I have decided to pen down this piece, I am not very confident about pulling this through till the end without making anyone go off from the page without reading it. So, as an amateur writer I take this blank page as an opportunity to cry my heart out as I don’t have anyone to share things with.

Editor's Note:

Please share her story because she has an amazing writer hidden inside her.