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A Letter To The Man Who Loved And Left… Thank You For This Lesson.
( words)
*For representational purpose only.
Hey, congratulations on your marriage. I don’t have a way to tell you this, but I’m hoping that someday you’ll come across this and you’ll. Understand my thought process. I’m fine at the moment, while I’m writing this, but I never know what’s going to happen the next moment. I’m sure I’ll get over this one day.
I’m living each day focusing on getting myself back up and living each day realising what a blessing it is to not have you in my life as my constant.
I loved you. There’s no denying that. You loved me, but I know that you’ll deny this, at every chance you get. Because if you believed it, even the slightest, then you would have to deal with the guilt of betraying me.
I understand that it takes courage to hold ourselves accountable for the things that we do. Sadly, you have always lacked this. I’m not being judgemental, I knew this when I loved you so, yeah.
I feel sorry for you though, love. Not for any emotional reason but because during our ‘situationship’ we were equally to be blamed for a lot of things we did. I apologised, and you did too, but this went on for far too long.
We never thought we could leave, because we were scared we would hurt each other. But the end of our era began with me becoming a person who was way better than you were and now you have to live with that for the rest of your life.
I feel sorry for you because you had no chance to ever form a close friendship with someone who is of my mental calibre. Who was loved and respected by everyone, who was praised and considered amazing and yet, when I approached you because your best friend, you threw it all away.
You told me a lot of people trusted you, yes, I’m sure they did. After all, you were a great guy in that sense. But how many people do you think would have given their lives for you? How many people would have made you a priority in their lives? None. Especially no one in my league.
I’m not proud, I’m just stating facts. We should neither underestimate nor overestimate ourselves.
So yeah, even though I do have my insecurities, which by the way, I trusted you with, I know exactly how much I am worth. I know you won’t be able to find anyone with the same understanding of your emotions and mind as me. Especially not someone who will be willing to spend the rest of her life with you.
I feel sorry for you because you got married like a lamb ready for slaughter. With no feelings or understanding involved. You think you did a great thing by sacrificing your emotions for your family and traditions, but trust me when I say this, you didn’t do anyone any favours; in fact, all of this feels like great injustice.
I feel sorry for you. As a human being, we should feel sorry for people who lose something they can’t replace. You still don’t know what you’ve lost, but I’m sure time is a great teacher. I feel sorry that the person I cared for the most after my parents made such a conscious choice of rejecting a love that could have been so great. Trust me, it would knock you off your feet. You chose to settle for the timid, easy love.
But you know what? Spineless timid people like you deserve this.
You don’t have to feel bad if you’re unhappy or if you feel unfulfilled, or like something is missing… just rest assured that God didn’t think you deserved more.
He gave you a chance, by bringing me and my love into your life but you showed me that you couldn’t handle such a strong feeling.
I feel sorry that you will never be able to recognise your emotions or be able to articulate them.
You decided to start a new life with such unresolved feelings and so many unresolved issues that I know you’ll have a hard time seeing things clearly for a long time. Especially when you don’t have someone by your side you would interpret those emotions for you. I was that person. I’m sure you’ll realise very soon.
I feel sorry for you because you’re now stuck in a situation where every thought you have about me is going to make you feel guilty because you know what, you’ll be cheating on your wife.
You won’t be able to share these thoughts with her, because you know that she will judge you harder.
You won’t be able to speak to your mother about this either; neither would you be able to talk to our friends about it. Because they already know how you turned me down.
You’re going to have to live with this decision for the rest of your life. If you find happiness with that decision even then, you will always remember that you were the bad guy in my story. You always will be.
I have to thank you for the blessing that your ‘rejection’ is going to be in my life.
It will take time for my mind and body to heal, but I am liberated now. I’ll be more appreciative of this freedom.
You led me on and didn’t want to admit it. I felt it more deeply than you because you’re a shallow person. I used to pray to God to give me a sign that would guide me towards the future. This is the sign. Loud and clear.
Maybe for you, I was a cheap drug. Something that made you feel good temporarily. But I wasn’t one to think like that about you… about us.
Thank you for helping me understand myself and helping me understand you better. Thank you for saving me from a lifetime of resentment on your family’s part who would have never accepted me completely.
Thank you for saving me from a boring domestic life because you didn't have any great interests which would have kept me hooked. Thank you for saving me from sacrificing my career because that is what your family would have expected from me.
Thank you for preserving my personality which your household might have changed, trust me I'd have made good changes willingly but maybe God thought I was too good for you anyway.
Thank you for helping me move on from something that made me frustrated because it was not going anywhere, now I have no reason to feel bound.
Thank you for being there through good and bad times so that I didn't feel the need to engage someone else in any romantic relationship. Thank you for being brutal with me in the end because you knew I would fight for us with all that I have and you were not a man enough to invest that much effort.
Thank you for choosing what you thought would get you out of a tough spot because it got me out of our weird dance with the feelings as well. Thank you for teaching me I can love with all my heart and fight with all the courage and still come out of a breakup alive and well.
You didn't deserve someone so fierce because you're the sand that can only absorb a few drops of rain while I deserve a mountain which can withstand tornados and still love nature as deeply.
I know you are a good guy and you will always be one, I know you hated to see me beg you to stay, and I know you're also replaying all those moments and regretting leading me on (even if you aren't right now, your conscience will make you do that soon), I know you regret wasting seven years of my life because you were too weak to pull away and too weak to stay. I was all in and I was ready to fight till the end but not alone.
You just weren't as brave as to choose the difficult path. Thank you for helping me realise my courage. I wanted to destroy your marriage and I was having destructive thoughts throughout this post-breakup period.
But now I've realized I'm better off without a grey zone relationship in my life. We were both scared to commit, yet in the end, I was the one who was ready to leap and you were the one who chose to run away.
But you know what? I know you are in a worse place than I am because you have to live with the regret of being a bad guy, some guys are born assholes who just don't care, you are not one of those.
I refuse to believe that you didn't love me as much as I loved you and that all the mutual feelings were lies and fake. But you know what? I've accepted that you were weak, and I deserve better.
I will always have a special place in my heart and life for you. And I know after reading this all you'd know that I understood you more than your imagination. And we were compatible even when we drifted apart. I'm writing this because someone told me recently that Karma always, always works.
So for the sake of old times and the sake of care and love that I have for you. I forgive you for everything. I hope God forgives you too. I hope you find happiness in your new relationship and I hope she is everything you had hoped for.
I know you have unresolved issues with me as well but you took revenge for all of that in one stroke, by rejecting me so I don't think you should have any bad feelings for me. But if you do, I apologise. I hope you find peace and love. This closure is for both of us.
