To the boy who took everything from me,
I am saying boy because you are a boy. You haven’t grown up to be a man who deserves a woman.
That being said, in some ways you were like a dream come true. A perfect gentleman, who always used to walk on the other side of the road to keep me away from the passing traffic. I always had a lot of fun with you. Our dates were always random, fun, exactly like how friends would spend time with each other. Probably because we were friends first, we had a very easy relationship.
However, I never realized that the friendship that I loved so much would be my downfall soon. When we had our first fight, it was very trivial. You were jealous that I was talking to a guy, a junior of ours in a ‘flirty manner’. What you had forgotten was that you left me alone at the night canteen, a crowded place because you were too busy lusting over someone else. I could not sit alone waiting for long; I had to talk to someone. Flirting is probably not okay when you are in a relationship, but we weren’t in one.
I never thought the fight was wrong, what I always found disturbing about it was how irrational your anger was. That was the first warning sign that I ignored. I was so smitten by you that I let it go. From there things escalated pretty fast.
You became possessive, controlling and the irrational anger was a problem in itself. You tried to control what I ate, wore, who I spoke with, everything about me that I loved. When I didn't ‘listen’ to you as you put it, you lost your cool.
I told you innumerable times that I would consider your advice but I would finally do what I felt like, but every time I did something you did not agree with, you started hitting me.
You can say today that if it was that bad I should have left you. But you never let me leave you. Every time it got to a point where you knew I would not make an effort to repair the relationship, you would jump in, fix it somehow and manipulate me into thinking I was leaving for no reason. Yes you were smart and charming that way. You could manipulate anyone’s thoughts. You could keep pestering me for hours together, sometimes to be driven out of office because you wouldn’t stop calling, forced to ignore my friends because of your calls and finally taking leaves to cater to your needs. I used to give in most times just to get you out of my hair so that I could finish the task at hand and avoid being fired.
I loved long distance with you. You know why? Because how much ever you tried calling my colleagues and friends about me and getting suspicious when I didn’t answer your calls or messages and then demanding proof of where I had been, you could not control me. I could do whatever I wanted. Chances of you knowing anything were nil, I used to make sure of that. I used to maintain a social media blackout. The only people I could hang out with were friends who knew about this situation that made my social life so sparse that it still hasn’t recovered.
You moving to the same city as mine was a nightmare. You had total access to me, an access you fully abused. You tracked the time I left from office for home; you randomly waited under my apartment just to fight with me (even though every time you did that, I had specifically told you to stay away).
Do you remember in college how you dragged me down the steps at 2 am in the night? I still get nightmares about that night. I remember wishing all through that hitting, punching, dragging, s*** shaming and threatening for someone to save me. That never happened and I was left a broken mess.
Do you remember how you got me talking to you after that? You forcibly followed me to the car wash, an appointment you knew about before hand. I had to suddenly press brake because of the car in front of me. That caused you to apply brakes of your bike. You faltered a little. Then you went into a tirade of how I shouldn’t be driving around in flashy shirts and how the other guy who caused me to brake was giving me dirty looks and how I almost hurt your leg so I should forgive you.
I did forgive you for something drastic in a few hours because you demanded. But when I needed to be forgiven for my bad posture, yes MY posture, the day before my birthday, you fought with me from evening till and after I cut the cake.
Do you remember the time I was in the USA? You knew I was on a trip with my family and that I was spending quality time with them after 6 years. Apart from the fights every day, do you remember how you fought with me because you were convinced that I was lying when I said I got the earphones you wanted? Finally I woke my friend up at 3 am without any explanation to send the invoice of the booking that he made for me. The earphones were so tough to find that I had to ask my friend to order from Amazon and keep them for me. When I met him with my family, yes a family friend, I gave him cash and took the earphones. Instead of appreciating the effort, you fought with me for 5 hours despite knowing that I had to wake up at 6 in the morning, about how I lied.
If I start talking about the fights, I can easily cover 100 pages.
Let’s talk about what happened to me through these fights. You slowly broke my confidence, then you did away with my happiness, then finally you did away with my self-respect. I am not able to gain it back.
I can pretend better now but inside I am still the broken girl you left. I cannot trust anyone anymore. I can never tell a guy my deepest thoughts because I am scared he will use it to bully me just like you did. I can’t even talk to my friends without thoughts popping up in my head about how this can be used against me. I cannot dream of walking into any place without doing a cursory check. If I see you or your friends or anything remotely related to you, I run away. I avoid places that I know are related to you, like the general area of your house or office, or places I know you have been to or might go to.
I used to be confident and happy-go-lucky. The fear of you has turned me into a nervous wreck, who wakes up whenever she hears loud noises. Believe me when I say this I will never ever forgive you. I know you have written a heartfelt email and I said I forgive you but I don’t.
Even in the last bit I was scared to go against you because I know how you hurt me when I went against you. You came at me like a tornado and destroyed every aspect of my life. You left nothing untouched, including my family, career, friends and more. I highly doubt anyone will have the patience to deal with this mess you left me in and frankly even if they do, I doubt I will trust them.
Someday I will be strong again, I will be normal, and when that happens I definitely will fight you back. For all the hurt that you have given me in the past three or more years, I will someday get a payback. You will know then that I am not weak, useless, brainless, b****y and every other negative adjective you have used against me.
You will know that just because you are a boy, you cannot control me.
Forever hating you,
The Broken girl.