I was just out of a broken marriage. After a period of ten long years, I was finally able to free myself from the shackles of a man who had never loved me. I had shared an unhealthy marriage with an unwilling man. The bitter experiences of my ugly marriage had shattered me. I got married at a very early age when I was still a student in college.
But now, finally, I was about to fly. I could live my life on my own terms. I could wear dresses that I loved. I could go out for late night movies with friends. Most importantly, I couldn’t wait to fall in love this time. I would have a boyfriend for the first time in my life.
I realized that all I needed to blossom was adoration, pampering and acknowledgement.
I installed a dating application so that I could finally meet the man of my dreams! He was a handsome guy with an athletic body and a fancy name. He sent me lovey dovey messages over WhatsApp all through the day. He gave me roses and even gifted me a one piece dress.
His unfailing love and admiration was more than enough for me. I fell head over heels in love with him.
He mentioned that we would get married soon. He also introduced me to his family. All was fine but after two months, I felt he was losing interest in me. Earlier he was spontaneously attentive but now I had to consciously seek his attention.
I tried working out with the intention of shedding the extra kilos of my weight. I applied make up to look good. The most important thing in my life at this time was to regain his approval. Even my career took a backseat now.
One fine day, he informed me that he was no longer in love with me. He said that he had started dating someone else. I begged him and told him not to let go of me. But he called me a witch and blocked me on social media. I could not contact him at all.
I wondered if what we had shared was real love. I thought maybe it was just my ego that was not able to withstand this rejection.
I started praying, lamenting and craving for him even more now. I stalked him because I was full of anxiety and wanted to somehow be connected to him. He was like a life saving drug to me.
One fine day, a year later, I saw his message in my inbox. I was elated. I felt as if true love was calling me now. We patched up and started living together.
He mentioned that after he had parted with me he had dated two girl friends and had been involved in a couple of flings too. I really needed him badly, so I was ready to forgive him and forget about his past.
After a month of courtship, he started following the same pattern of disowning me. I was confused when he called me up for a serious discussion. He mentioned that he wanted to break up with me and become free again.
I was in tears because I loved this guy so much but he was driving me insane with anguish. It took me a long while to overcome this phase of complete denial. He eventually blocked me from all his social media pages again.
I lived like a mad woman for days. I was unable to move on and did not realize the perils of associating with him. I wrote poems in which he was my muse so that I could come to terms with my pain.
However, I still stalked him secretly because I wanted to rationalize things and see whether I was worthy of love or not. My brain constantly fought with my heart whenever it felt that we were a match made in heaven.
He was doing well in life and so happened to have many affairs. I, on the contrary, started believing that I would be able to accept him as he is.
Well, the guy returned back to me for the third time now! I was perplexed but happy and welcomed him back into my life. This time I told him that we would nurture only a bond of friendship and nothing more. I did not want him to escape from me again.
I finally had some real hopes of making ours an exceptional love story. One day, over a joyful buddy discussion, he finally declared that he had never ever loved me even for a single moment.
At that time, he was caught up in an affair with his current girl friend and was in a relationship with her. He could not escape from her because the girl was suicidal by nature.
I was a very empathetic person so I started feeling sad for him. I came back home and started chatting about him with my bestie. My bestie listened to me patiently and took up the responsibility of informing me that I was being cheated miserably by this so called boyfriend of mine.
And suddenly things became crystal clear to me.
I realized that I had consciously created a comfort zone for this guy. That is why he walked in and out of my life at anytime. He knew I would always love him blindly so he took me for granted.
It took him three years to admit that he had been faking love since the beginning. I had waited for this lousy boyfriend of mine for three years because I was only looking for positive affirmations from him. But he just did not seem to fit in anymore.