I Loved Him But I Knew That I Could Never Be The Other Woman In His Life

Anonymous Anonymous in Single Women Bad Women on 27 February, 2018

Read the previous part here: I Was 17 Years Younger Than Him But I Was A Girl With My Own Dreams Too

I knew that this was just the beginning of our romance. And I loved every bit of it because he was so spontaneous about it. He would hug me and kiss me whenever he got an opportunity. He was always tender and loving. He would whisper sweet nothings in my ears.

I wished for so much more.
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He also invited me to sleep with him whenever I was ready for it. I started craving for him very badly now.

After a while, he started tutoring my siblings and me. This was his way of thanking us for letting him stay in our house. But it was also the perfect way of spending more time together.

I loved all the time and attention that I got from him. I believed that he was worthy of my love.

But three months later, I was heart-broken when I heard my elders discussing a potential bride for him. When I asked him about it, he told me that I was his girl and he would fob them off. I trusted him.

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But deep down I knew our relationship could not last for long now. There was a big age gap between us.

Despite knowing all this, I continued to live with hope. I enjoyed his company and his affection. I went to his bed that night because I was getting all kinds of wild thoughts. I also had this urge to just be with him. I called him by his name and tried to wake him up but he was fast asleep.

Even today, I don’t know whether he intentionally kept me away that night.

I accompanied him when he went to see his potential bride. The elders of my house had asked me to do so. It was sheer torture and I knew for sure that our relationship had come to an end now. I felt miserable and cold that evening. I avoided any kind of eye contact with him.

In fact, I did my best to avoid him altogether. I was really shattered.
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But he was clever enough to catch me when I was alone in my room. He caught me in his arms and gave me a big hug before I could even react to it. I started crying my heart out. He kissed me over and over again and assured me that nothing had really happened. He said that all this would blow over after a while.

I didn't believe him. I knew that eventually, he would have to marry someone. But then he said the sweetest thing to me that day. He said, "Could you not have come into this world 10 years earlier?"

Initially, I didn’t understand what he was saying but realized what he meant by that remark later on. He would have married me if I had been 10 years older. I loved this guy. And I was sure that he too loved me when he told me this. That one sentence of his melted my heart and I fell more in love with him. I wanted him even more desperately now.

But I did not want him to cheat on his wife. She did not deserve this.

He moved back to his house just before the wedding. He visited our house every day and this made it hard for me to ignore him. He wanted us to meet again. But I did not give him a single opportunity to do so. His eyes looked sad now. He didn't smile in the same manner anymore. And this hurt me even more. But I was helpless.

I knew I had to stay strong and stay away from him.
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But luck favoured him that day. I was in the room adjacent to the bathroom when he came out of it. He forcefully took me into the bathroom and locked the door. I insisted that he let me go. I tried to squirm out of his grip but he asked me to hug him. He held me in his arms tightly and kissed me. I could neither resist him nor insist that he let me go. I gave in. I simply melted into his arms. 

I cherished his touch and all his kisses. I had missed him so very much. I cried for what we could never have. He hugged me and just held me while he stroked my hair. He wiped my tears away and kissed me again and again. I wanted to die then and there.

He apologized repeatedly and said that he had been forced to accept this girl as his wife because he was ageing. He had run out of excuses to delay his marriage. He held my hands and swore that it killed him when I ignored him. I felt sad for him.

I wanted him to forget me. But here he was pouring his heart out to me. He was saying he simply could not forget me.

I insisted that we could not continue to behave like this. It was not fair to both of us. He begged and pleaded with me. I could not ignore his pleas. I knew he needed my support to get over me. I was wary of the whole thing now. We had been in the bathroom for quite a while now. I knew my family members would begin searching for me. My sister knocked on the bathroom door and asked me if I was okay. I told her I was fine and would be out in a moment. He told me to go out and leave the door unlocked from outside. He said that he will follow me out after 2 minutes.

I left the bathroom. I took my sister to my room and distracted her till he went out of the bathroom. He left quietly. My heart was aching. I didn’t understand anything. I did not know what I had to do now or how I had to behave with him whenever I met him.

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I just wished we could all move on with our lives without any further complications.

He seemed to be in love with me. But we could never be together. So there was no point in continuing with our relationship anyway. I attended his wedding. It was sheer torture for me. I was honoured when my relatives asked me to be a part of some of the traditional rituals in the marriage ceremony. I was laughing and joking with everyone. But it killed me to see him sitting next to his bride.

His eyes seemed to be pleading with me. So I stayed on until the end.

When I reached home, I imagined him being with her. I wondered if he was kissing her the way he had kissed me.  I wondered if he was holding her the way he had always held me. I knew I was torturing myself by thinking in this manner.

Life was utterly unfair. Why could we not get married?

The next day it was time for the next set of ceremonies. They both looked happy and that killed me even more. I wondered when we would see each other again. My heart was bleeding. He was there and seemed to be enjoying himself. I left him to it. I was adamant that day. I refused to wait till all the ceremonies ended. It was too much for me to do so.

A few months later I accepted that he had to move on with his life. My heart had calmed down a little.

 I continued leading my life normally. One fine day, when I was returning home from school I discovered that he was visiting my dad. My heart started racing but quickly filled with disappointment when I reminded myself of the reality.

My heart still ached for him.

I had visited his wife’s house when she had given birth to a baby boy. That day had sealed all my emotions for him. I knew that he had indeed slept with her. How could I even think that he wouldn’t do so? She was his wife after all. I knew everything was finished between us and that we all had moved on with our lives. All was done and dusted. So I was caught unawares by his visit.

I didn’t expect anything from him anymore. He was just a bittersweet memory now.

But things took a turn now. He played his bathroom trick again. He visited the bathroom when he knew I would be alone in my room. I didn’t think that he would come in. But he did. He smiled his killer smile again. He asked me how I was doing as he edged forward towards me. I knew that move of his. But I could not avoid his advances. He pulled me into his big powerful hug and kissed. I tried to push him away and asked him to let me go. I insisted that he could not do this to me anymore. I stood my ground.

He let go of me the minute I stopped resisting him and went back to meet the rest of my family members.

I was confused but I ignored my confusion. I didn't want to get sucked into his life again. Not this time. But he visited my house more frequently now. He came once in a week. He got his way with me and got me hooked on him. He even began calling me. Sometimes we talked all night and stayed awake until the early hours of the morning.

I kept reminding him that he was a married man. He told me to just forget all that and think of us.

He told me that he had never been able to forget me and said that he loved me. He always told me that he loved me whenever he hung up. I never told him that I loved him too.

Somehow it felt wrong to me.

We met a couple of times and spent the day together. He asked me if I would sleep with him. He said that he wanted me to be his in every possible way. I told him that I could never be his. And I refused to sleep with him. He took me back to his room and really tried to convince me. When I was adamant in my stance he started his foreplay to get me into the right mood. He thought that I would be unable to deny him if he did this.

But I was firm and refused to indulge him. He got the message.

He understood my stance and knew why I was doing this. It was very difficult for me to say no to him. But I did it because he was a married man now.

I could not give him everything because he had nothing to give me in return.

I did not want to regret my first intimate experience. And I knew I would have regretted it if I had given myself to him. As it is thoughts of his wife haunted me.

I could not live with the guilt if we crossed that line. And I was thinking of his son too.

All this continued for the next few months. I could not handle all this. I needed to get out of this relationship. I knew I had to end it once and for all. I realized that it was time for me to move on.

And so, I began my search for a long-lasting relationship. I had to think of my own future. I soon met my soul mate. I loved him and he was everything to me. I told him all that had happened to me.

When he came to my house the next time he told me that I should never do anything in haste. But I chose to ignore his warning.

I knew that he knew that this meant the end of our relationship. And it was the end of our relationship. 

But a part of me will always love him and I will continue to wish that we could have been together.

Editor's Note:

Do share this story if you too feel like applauding and appreciating this young girl’s maturity. She knows how to take complete responsibility for all her thoughts and emotions. And that is what we need to learn from her experience. It is very difficult to work our way out of our messed up lives. But nothing is impossible for a resolute soul. It is better to live our lives in a dignified manner than to live with regrets.