I Don't Think My Abusive Husband Knew This But I Was Going To Be Perfectly Fine Without Him

Anonymous Anonymous in Single Women Bad Women on 27 February, 2018

I am a modern woman, and this is the story of my marriage. I’m in my 30s and I got married a year ago to a man whom I knew for the past 5 years. One fine day, he came to my house and asked my parents for my hand in marriage and assured them that he will take good care of me. He was a kind and loving man before we got married.

Unfortunately, things got sour just one month after we got married. He and his parents tried to change and shape me into a perfect, ideal wife.

On top of that, he wanted me to be just like his mother who can multitask, failing to realize that the mum had been a lifelong housewife. Little did both mother and son realize what my work life was all about and how tired I was after returning home from work. Despite being tired, I had to cook, wash, iron, clean etc. I vividly remember what my husband told me after marriage:

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“You must be able to cook independently, take care of household chores, handle me and effectively communicate with people around you. If there is no improvement, you will be returned back just like how useless things are returned to the supermarket.”

My husband and I had arguments on and off. It is fine to have arguments as it builds a healthy relationship. Nevertheless, he started physically and emotionally abusing me and that hurt me a lot. I was not even allowed to cry. He even asked me to leave the house a couple of times which I didn’t. Only after marriage did I realize that my husband was a very bad-tempered person. That’s when I recalled what my sister in law asked me a day after marriage, “Of all the guys out there, why did you have to marry my brother?”

When I got beaten up the first time, I asked myself umpteen times, is this the kind of life I want to live for the rest of my life? The answer was NO! Do I want to file a police report? YES! Do I want to leave him? YES!

Nonetheless, I kept the burden to myself, hoping that my husband will change as we had newly got married, we needed more time to adapt and accept each other and I didn’t want to ruin his future by putting him behind the bars. Till date, I can’t accept the fact that a professional like him can even beat his woman as we are living in the 21st century and not in stone age.

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My mother in-law told me one fine day that she got beaten up a couple of times from her husband as well, and that’s when I realized that abusing a woman runs in the family tree.

However, she has been repeatedly advising her son not to abuse me again and again. This family which I got into failed to understand that circumstances have changed now. They fail to realize that I have an established career and I am financially independent. So, in a marriage, I look for love, companionship, respect and understanding from my spouse. Also, my husband was disrespectful to my parents. He yelled at them rudely for not teaching me how to cook, swim, have table manners etc. That hurt me even more.

I did ask him to apologize to my parents for being rude, but he was too egoistic and told me that my parents should apologize to him instead for not teaching me all the skills required.

My husband ignored the fact that he should learn how to respect people’s feelings even though it doesn’t mean anything to him, but it could mean everything to my parents. If I wanted, I could have done the same to his parents by asking them about the way they have raised their son since he was being so abusive and disrespectful to the elderly, but I kept quiet. Little did the family realize that a man who treats his wife like a princess was raised by a queen! I slowly learnt that I don’t have to hurt those who hurt me.

I realized that the ultimate sign of maturity was walking away instead of getting even. My parents advised me to be patient and work on this marriage and so, I gave him another chance.
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Unfortunately, I gave him quite a few chances before I realized I was an idiot. The biggest mistake I did in my life was marrying him and the second mistake I did was not walking out of this marriage earlier. Living with in-laws under one roof has not been easy for me. They monitor every move I make, and they report my routine to my husband. How cunning can they be? My married life was partly ruined by the interference from his parents. If the parents wanted to ensure no emotional intimacy develops between the son and me, why get the son married in the first place? Why do they fail to think that I have my own dreams and ideas about my married life? I wouldn’t mind staying with in-laws if they were not butting in all the time. I started gasping for breath on and off.

The parents fail to realize that giving me some breathing space will certainly ensure a healthy and happy relationship among all the people involved, for a lifetime.

One fine day, my father-in-law called me bastard a couple of times for not helping my mother-in-law in the kitchen and requested money from me for staying in the house. That act literally made me speechless on the struggles that I must go through if I were to continue living with them for the rest of my life. Nevertheless, the father-in-law felt guilty and apologized for his behaviour. I believe God is great. God showed me a way out of hell. I was offered to work abroad. I took the opportunity and left the house. Walking out wasn’t easy. Before leaving, my husband abused me and harassed my father. He claims that he doesn’t want me to leave and go abroad because he wanted to start a family with me.

Little did he realize that we could have started a family a long time ago if it weren’t for his big attitude. Honestly, if my husband was a decent man, I wouldn’t have left.

I had his siblings harassing me as well. Blood is always thicker than water, so no matter what I say neither are they going to buy it nor try to understand my situation. Even if I react, it won’t change anything, it won’t make them suddenly love and respect me, it won’t magically change their minds. Not reacting doesn’t mean I’m okay with things, it just means I’m choosing to rise above it.

I’m choosing to take the lesson it has served and learn from it. The pen that writes your life story must be held in your own hand.

My husband wants a divorce and I’m going to give it to him because I know that no woman can withstand a guy like him as a life partner, provided he changes his attitude for good. I’m abroad now and trying to make my life beautiful. It will be the best gift for my parents at this point in time.

Author's Note:

Here's my advice to all woman out there: Love shouldn’t hurt. Put a stop to the abuse and speak up for yourself. Choose to live! No one should live in fear of the person they love. Run far away from a guy who is abusive and violent. Abuse is a crime. Remember that getting into a relationship with a man who cannot control his anger, will be the biggest mistake of your life. 

Editor's Note:

Share this story because we need to realize that abuse is not a part of love.