How It Is To Feel Like A Powerless Woman With All The Freedom

Anonymous Anonymous in Single Women Bad Women on 1 September, 2017

I have been controlled. I have been dictated. I have been told to do things a certain way. But not once was I told to follow my 'calling' and make my own decisions. Not once was I told to dream unapologetically and chase them till they turn into reality. But I was told, I was dictated, I was controlled; by my parents, my sister, my brother, my grandparents, my relatives, and the unforgiving society.

Yes, you guessed it right, I am the daughter of a middle class Indian family.

They told me I had to get up early in the morning because only then could I be a successful person. They told me to eat healthy food and that too of a certain type, or else I would feel guilty later. They told me to wear decent clothes or else I will be shamed upon. But they never told me that I can paint with any color I like and mold my dreams in any shape I want. But they did tell me to eat, sleep, work and repeat. They were right and I don’t doubt that, because who else would teach me what is the right thing from wrong.

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But their method of controlling me in every aspect of my life and my fate also ended up working in their favor.

As a kid, whenever I took my own decisions, I regretted them so then why wouldn't I follow what they told me. So they reciprocated by tightening their grip on the remote, and even though I am twenty-five years of age now, they still control me and expect me to do things their way. I am not complaining about my lack of freedom because that’s against the rules, and that would develop guilt in me.

But what do I do about the other feelings bundling up inside me, inevitably threatening to overflow someday? Above all, I feel powerless, like I have completely lost my decision-making ability. How do I function as an adult woman without that in today’s world?

My family and society got me well-educated but they clipped my wings. I feel like a bird who is too broken to fly.
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Why else would I be sitting here on a Tuesday afternoon, pondering upon the fact that I don’t have any aim or purpose to fulfill in life? Why else, would I be thinking that even though I have graduated from IIT, I don't have any substantial career goals to achieve? I don't blame them, but I blame myself for not taking the right steps earlier on in life.

I wouldn’t be here today, regretting the course my life has taken, had I for once considered the workings of the outside world, had I introspected and intervened at the right time.