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How I Lost The Love Of My Life For My Self-Esteem: I Regret My Decision Terribly

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*For representational purpose only.
We both were sure that we were perfect for each other, little did we realize that we didn’t look perfect together. Society said that ‘he could do much better’ and I made the mistake of letting their opinion decide our fate.

Ours was a neatly organized arranged marriage, a mutual family friend had introduced us and we hit it off instantly. We made the big call after texting and skype-ing for more than a fortnight and I was literally on cloud nine. I couldn’t contain my happiness upon finding such a dreamy life partner, he was good looking beyond par, gentle, well behaved and hardworking.

Soon after we got engaged, comparison crept in to steal our joy. Everyone who knew us, including our parents and friends, began voicing their takes on our pairing. They made it loud and clear that they felt he deserved someone prettier than me, and his mother claimed that I wasn’t as attractive as his ex, that he could do much better. This external noise got too loud for me to bear, it hit my self-esteem right where it hurt. 

It seemed like I was being evaluated on my appearance more than any other aspect of my being, my looks were suddenly the biggest determinant of my worth, instead of the fact that I am a successful career-oriented woman at a young age who perhaps possessed more caliber and talent than her fiancé.

I was trying to tune out of this negative frequency and shared how I felt with him. He would constantly comfort me by telling me to not listen to what they have to say, that I should only tune into what he feels for me, that I was his goddess. I still went on to make the mistake of letting society’s judgement cloud over our relationship and it ended up consuming me. I began fighting with him, pushing him away and asking him to leave me and find a more suitable match. From a strong and confident career woman, I had transformed into a woman whose self-esteem was so shattered that she was ashamed of her appearance.

My fiancé ignored my woes and single-handedly kept our relationship going, though he did stop providing me emotional support. I was so drained out that I eventually called off the engagement. I punished him for no fault of his.

Although I loved him and he loved me, I did not allow our relationship to stay strong enough to sail through turbulent waters. I wish I had shown more faith in him and in our feelings for each other. Today I regret losing the best relationship I ever had and it is already too late to go back. 

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