I was 21 when we fell in love. I would like to believe that it was love. He was an acquaintance whom I knew as a result of our common religious background. We were also friends on Facebook.
It was around April 2017, when I’d quit my job to open my online store. I’d sent a request to all my contacts on Instagram asking them to follow my page. He was one of them. He pinged me to check if the store was mine. I instantly replied, “Yes.” We ended up chatting for a long time and exchanged numbers too.
He didn’t seem to recollect that we already knew each other.
He told me that he owned a media production company and they were looking at expanding. He asked me if I’d like to look at his company’s website. I checked it and did not like what I saw. When I gave him my feedback, he asked if we could meet to discuss the website. I agreed.
We fixed a date and time. In the meanwhile, we continued talking and chatting every day. When I went to meet him in his office, we spoke for more than an hour. It was an interesting and intellectual conversation. Thereafter, we started talking even more than usual.
We were always curious to know more about each other.
We stayed in touch even when he was out of town for a shoot. When he returned, he asked me if I’d like to accompany him to a shoot. I agreed. It was a photo shoot for a bride and groom. They arrived late and we could not have the photo shoot the way we’d imagined. So we drove to the nearest coffee shop and spent hours chatting there.
Over the course of time, I started freelancing with him. I accompanied him to different shoots. After one such shoot, we were wrapping up and I could not stop myself from asking him a few questions. I was digging into unknown territories.
I was a psychology student and I knew that something was majorly wrong in his life.
He made it clear that he did not wish to discuss it. When I coaxed him, he gradually told me about his life. He said that he was married but his wife didn’t stay with him. She was living a happy life in a different city. She never fulfilled any of her marital responsibilities. Despite that, he visited her and their child regularly.
How could someone not love a guy like him? How could his wife abandon him?
After listening to his problems, I made sure that I was always available for him. I showered him with love and care.
Sometimes, he’d say that he made a mistake by getting married while there were times when he wanted to give his marriage another chance.
It was complicated but I made sure that I was there for him. Soon, we realized that we couldn’t stay away from each other. We’d make excuses to meet and find ways to spend more time together. I don't know when and how but I fell in love with him without thinking about the consequences.
All I knew was that his wife was not a part of his life and I wanted to take the opportunity to be there for him.
He was so much more than the partner I’d ever imagined. We could understand each other without saying anything. Life seemed perfect. I was in love. And he reciprocated my feelings. I often wondered if I was doing the right thing. They say, when you are in love with somebody, you can’t distinguish right from wrong.
My heart reasoned that he needed love and so did I.
As the days passed, our bond grew stronger. We worked together and would often stay together. He never tried to touch me or make me uncomfortable. Then one day, he’d stayed back at my place. I was fooling around and jumped on him playfully.
To my surprise, he turned around and put me down on the bed. Before I knew it, he was on top of me. His lips were close to mine and I could feel his warm breath. My heart stopped beating. The feeling of being so close to him was beautiful. That night we had sex. It was my first time.
It was extra special, as it was with someone that I was deeply in love with.
It further strengthened my feelings for him. He’d often say that he dreams of a ‘happy family’. I always thought he meant 'us' as a family. Then his wife found out about us because he chose to be truthful to her. And she decided to come back.
She wanted to give their marriage another chance for the sake of their child.
I was unable to comprehend anything. I felt that I’d been rudely awakened from a dream. She came back into his life and within no time, I was thrown out. His love and commitment disappeared; all that was left was betrayal.
Before I could come to terms with this harsh reality, I discovered that I was pregnant.
I told them about my pregnancy. I was scared when I had to abort the child. I was not ready to become a mother nor did I want more problems in his life.
But I was stupid to think about him when he didn’t even try fighting for me.
I left the city; I left the people I loved. Yet, I couldn’t forget anything. I'd see his updates on social media though he never tried to contact me. Almost 6 months later, we started chatting on messenger, just like the old times.
It felt like nothing had changed. Even after all this time, we understood each other’s unsaid feelings.
I can’t explain our strange relationship but my heart beats for him and him alone.
It was difficult to forgive him, especially since he didn’t support me when I was pregnant. However, our conversations continued and within a week, we were able to make each other laugh. It was like breathing again.
After two weeks of talking, he informed me that his wife was pregnant. I was extremely upset. I didn’t want to talk to him ever again. Nonetheless, we didn’t stop talking. We ended up having phone sex too.
I distrust the entire world but my heart can't stop trusting him.
I have shut everyone out yet I let him enter my world to hurt me every time. I'm not stupid but I have no explanation for my feelings.
He wanted to meet me and so did I. However, I chose to take a step back because we don’t have a future together. He says that he loves me but I’ve decided to stop talking to him, to take control of my life and my feelings. Unknowingly and unintentionally I have been digging a grave of misery for myself.
How can he claim to love me when he is making babies with her?
I want to believe him even when the world says that he is making a fool of me. Was it a mistake to fall in love knowing that he was married?
Or is it a bigger mistake to trust him now when he says he still loves me?
It’s my love that makes me believe in him all over again. I know that I can never stop loving him.