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For Six Years He Used Me For His Needs And Abused Me Like It Was Okay

( words)
*For representational purpose only.

I happen to be from a Muslim family where having relationships that end up in marriage is acceptable. So, this happened some 6-7 years ago when I was in my high school. A cousin of mine who is around 6 years older than me got interested in me. We went on an all-cousins trip together and somehow got attracted to each other. In Islam, getting married to cousins is allowed. Well, everything seemed very cute in the beginning. Hours of chatting on Facebook which turned to long phone calls, we were talking about everything important and not so important.

I felt butterflies in my stomach whenever I spoke to him.

Finally, we confessed our feelings to each other and got into a relationship. It was all very beautiful in the beginning. Then, he got into university to pursue his MBA and I was in 12th then. We both were equally possessive about each other. He would stop me from talking to guys and at times I also questioned him about his friends. But eventually, he started disliking me asking about his friends. Even if I was asking generally, he would get angry. Then one day he broke up with me, citing the same issues. I cried a lot and got normal after some time.

Two or three months later, my so-called cousin contacted me and apologized for what had happened between us and asked me to continue with our relationship because he loves me. I too fell for his words. After a couple of months, he laid me.

I was reluctant in the beginning but then I had faith in him that he will never betray me because he was my cousin. We started meeting more often and got intimate almost every time. But then he started to take me for granted. Every year, we would fight and get back together. I always fell into the trap of his sweet, innocent, lovable and manipulative words. My emotions always drew me towards him. But I lost my dignity because of it. I loved him immensely and he knew it too, so he took advantage of my feelings every time. I cared for him and had strong feelings for him. Later I realized that he never loved me. All those words he used to utter were meaningless lies. They were just said to get me laid every time. He only had a lust for me.

I still remained in that relationship hoping to make him realize that he also loved me but I was wrong.

Whenever I talked about our future he would say that there is no future as I am 'shakki' and I would make his life hell if I became his wife. Or he would say that his family doesn't want us to get married. He said I will never be happy with him because he had started abusing me lately. He wanted me to be with him in a relationship where I am already well aware that I’m not loved as such. He would still question me about going out with my male friends etc. I was living in a toxic relationship with the worst man ever.

He would chat and talk to random strange girls and justified it by saying that it's his nature and I cannot demand to change him and that he is in marketing so he always has to talk to women. He called me a psycho if I ever questioned him.

He never valued me, put me down and made me feel disgusted with myself. He knew I will always be there for him. Now I realize that this man was the biggest mistake of my life. I stopped focusing on my career because of his continuous torture.

He seemed like the best boyfriend when he wanted sex but changed once his needs were fulfilled. He would beg me for sex.

But then he made me realize that I am not good enough, not good looking, and he never made me feel good about myself, always making me feel like trash. I manage to escape him now and did so just yesterday. Funny! I am happy I realized that he is just like a creep, hated by all the girls.

He had no class, but I made him my god.

I want to request all the girls who are reading this that please don't waste your time and life for a toxic man. He will never love you or make you grow. Please break away from such bonds that will never reap in future. You are much more deserving and beautiful so please know your worth and move on. It took me six long years to finally break off but maybe it's just not worth watering a dead relationship.

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