I'm Happy And Sad That I Put So Much Of Me In Your Hands
As I look out of the window with my hand in yours, I feel happy and sad at the same time. As I trace the cracks and crevices on your palms, it reminds me of you typing away at your laptop with full concentration.
The first time, I saw you, I never would have guessed you to be who you are. On this quiet night, when we hold hands, I turn to look at your face. Turned the other way, looking out of the window, as I see your face light up by the streetlight, all I see is a boy. A 12-year-old boy excited to show me a new computer trick and teach me the same. As I look out of the window, at that building with flickering lights, where we spent most of our time together, I understand that something as simple as you walking down the corridor with your hands in your pockets can cheer me up.
But I wonder why I miss you.
Despite you sitting right next to me, why is it that I miss you? It also makes me wonder if you ever miss me? We are character-wise so different from each other. Right opposite in fact. But do you ever miss me so much that it hurts? Have you ever wished I was next to you when I wasn’t.
This night reminds me of all the nights I have waited for a text or a call. All those times I have broken down. All the times, I have felt like a burden to the other person. Now, at this moment I feel the same. I feel like a leech on you. I feel I am the only person asking. And all you do is give and give. I fear I am being unfair to you and am only taking from the relationship we share and not giving anything back. I wish I could silence that one voice at the back of my head that says "He will pack his bags, say I’m done and leave forever one day."
As I fondle your fingernails, I realize that we may not last forever. That this break we are taking might not remain just a break. It takes me to the last time I took a break. And how I never got the same person back. And how it destroyed us. I fear the same will happen to us, and that this break will lead to a crack.
What if it does? Will I have the guts to go through the same pain again? To live the same nightmare twice?
As we pass sleeping strays and flickering street lights, I realize what you mean to me. You are like that light at the end of the tunnel that makes me want to plow my way through it. That fresh gust of wind, that prevents me from suffocating with the real world. That comforting sheets, into which I can cry my eyes out and let all my worries go. That firm, comforting hug that shoos away all my anxiety. If I'll ever believe in love is a doubt to me. But I lose that feeling the moment I see you smile at me.
Just know this, that I am the most vulnerable with you. You don’t have an obligation to stay. You can leave anytime you want. Yet, I put so much of me in your hands. Not because I trust you, just because I wanted to give you all of me. Every ounce, every inch, all, truly.