I'm a self driven girl doing my under graduation in a tier III city of the country away from my home. I have goals, ambitions and dreams I thought I'd fulfill and make my parents as well as myself proud. But little did I know that my aspirations would face a brutal death by my own hands.

4 years ago, I fell in love with a guy who was from the small town I belonged to. The guy was average looking and a few years younger to me. Although, he didn't fit into my criteria of the Mr. Right but I had fallen head over heels in love. Everything seemed beautiful the way it does when you are in love. I even fought with my cousins to prove that he was a nice and decent person.

He loved me, called me every 4 hours, texted me the whole day, we had late night conversations, and shared all the sensitive secrets of his life; what more does a girl want? He even visited me every 3 months and we tried to compensate for all the time we are apart in those 2-3 day trips. Things were fairly smooth and happy. All well in the paradise. Then came a moment when I considered taking the relationship forward since he seemed to be the perfect one for me.

That night, I tip toed out of my self-marked boundaries because for me, he was the one.

Little did I know that there was trouble in paradise. After a few months, I learnt that I was being cheated upon. I had investigated more deeply than an FBI agent to find out about this. No! It wasn't a fling. My guy was dating two different girls of two different age groups: one elder, and one younger at the same time. The irony that tore me apart was the fact that the 'other girl' shared my name too. I don't know how to explain the resentment I felt for myself; I loathed my name. I learnt that he had started dating the other girl after 8 months into a relationship with me.

This happens every other day with a lot of people, but it was not that simple. I found out that he was faking his identity in front of the other girl. He took my identity, my qualifications, my upbringing and even my disease 'Anxiety' to woo her. Here you see, he made a mockery out of my condition too.

Yet after many fights, hunger strikes and pleading we came back together. The other girl? Well! They never ever talked again. Anyway! After that episode I lost my mind, I turned into an irritating prying piece of shit. I stopped trusting him and there were fights and night full of tears.  

He paid me more visits, we grew more intimate but all of that was thrown into the gutter when he cheated on me again. This time, I didn't even care to know the name. The details were horrifying enough. They bumped into each other and exchanged numbers since they were kindergarten sweethearts and it further turned into make out sessions in movie theaters.

All this doesn't surprise me anymore, what surprises me is the fact that he had made me believe that I didn't deserve any better, that I had to live with it if I wanted to be with him or I should leave.

My anxiety turned into depression that left me in such a state that it still sends a chill down my spine. I accepted it. I'd lay in my bed for weeks without giving myself a wash and eating Maggi sometimes. I grew suicidal, and yet I thought I was overreacting.  

Today, I'm glad I walked away from him, from the belief that belittled my existence, from the depression that had engulfed me into nothingness. It's been more than 6 months, and I haven't looked back.

That night, I not only walked away from him but also from my emotions, I swore to never feel again, never fall in love again, never open up again.

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