The 6th of September, 2015. Fate made sure Lady Luck smiled at me on this day. I can say I was so madly, truly, and deeply in love in this journey of a thousand steps that I don't remember when I subconsciously put forth the first step. It is an ocean of thoughts and memories, all about and for one person.
Imagine being in your final year of graduation, and coming across a tall and handsome professor, with an equally charming personality. If I ever had to give an example of love at first sight, this would be it. I was strongly attracted towards him and the day his penetrating gaze probed deep into my eyes, Physics went for a toss as time seemed to have come to a standstill. Eventually, we started talking, and though it was very casual at first, with topics of discussion ranging from texts to Facebook to WhatsApp, I found him to be an amazing person to spend time with. Before I proceed any further,
I need to confess the harsh truth. He had made it very clear from the beginning that he is married and he has a child too.
Despite knowing this truth, there was something about him I couldn't resist. Maybe it was his genuineness, honesty and his ever-energetic persona. He was everything I wanted in a partner. He was extremely caring, tall and handsome. To add to all of this, he had the most gorgeous pair of eyes I'd seen and a stunning smile that would mesmerize me. I had soon accepted him as an integral part of my life.
Most of you would call me selfish; the remaining would probably go beyond that and call me a heartless woman who tries to wish for a married man! And to the entire world, I would seem like the harbinger of death to a happy marriage.
Yet, I feel no remorse in admitting that compromise has never been my cup of tea. There are a few people who know about us. And they have warned me many times that I should leave him. "You have no future with him, he is a married person." And so go on to the various pieces of advice. Somewhere at the back of my mind I did acknowledge the fact that sooner or later I'd have to face reality. Since then, this has been the bitter truth of my life. He can never be mine. I have to leave him someday. We have no viable future. I don't know what stopped me from taking this decision. Maybe it was my strong affection towards him. I really don't know.
But my reality now is that he is very much a part of me. And I dread the very thought of losing him.
We have been dating for the past two years now. And I still admit that giving my heart to him was the best thing I ever did. He added colours to my life, which was otherwise a blank canvas. He has loved me more than his life though it's always known that he can never make me his wife. It is an irony because he is a man full of ethics and values, who always talks about his marital life. Deep down, I know he values his relationship a lot, and in his heart, he knows he tried his best to be a good husband. He has taken care of her needs, her desires, accepting her flaws and mistakes, and respecting her in every manner. He has always tried to give her the best of everything. If there is one reason why his marriage is still intact, it is because of his kindness and sincere efforts.
If I had to describe his wife in one word, it would be "lunatic".
She has always been an aggressive, frustrated woman who has done nothing but create unnecessary trouble for her family. Her short tempered behaviour is completely unacceptable and absurd. Still, her husband continues to hope every minute that one day she will reciprocate his sacrifice and respect. He is left disappointed every time. And when I came to know about what he goes through, I was disheartened and wept for hours, locking myself in a room and blaming God. What kind of a dilemma was this?
Is this a test of our character? Or was it a higher power merely having fun at our expense?
We were both going through an emotional crisis. To this day, this feeling that we don't have any future leaves me shaken and bruised. But I am still grateful to God that I have found true love. And yes, she's extremely lucky to be blessed with great in-laws, a caring husband, while leading a life she doesn't deserve. Her immature behaviour was always absurd for everyone. After a certain point, he had lost all hopes and somewhere at the back of his mind, he curses God for having tied his destiny with hers. He deserves better, but again, he chose to rest his fate in God's hands.
Meanwhile, we had come closer. To me, he was the true definition of love. And to him, I was the epitome of crazy love.
It's been two years since we are together and yet, I'm left asking for more. I know no one will understand my love for him, but only my heart knows he is what I live for.
And this mad love grow deeper and deeper. There is no longer a reason needed to feel loved and give love. Like he always says, I'm an endless excitement to him.
An endless compassion, An endless blessing from the Almighty.
Our meetings, our physical intimacy, our late night conversations, our midnight calls, each bit of it has made me fall in love with him all over again.
I don't know how and why I am blessed to be loved by him. He makes me feel like the luckiest girl alive. My thoughts keep nudging me towards the fact that one day I might have to let him go. Relationships are the best in the beginning, but soon the intensity of love fades away. It is not true in my case though. Our love for each other is getting stronger with each passing day. She has asked me umpteen numbers of times, "Why have you chosen him? After all, he is a married guy; you can have a better future, if you decide to leave him." Today I can answer her without hesitation as to why I have chosen him, with this short note:
My dear love,
Thank you for being the reason I wake up every morning with a smile. Thank you for being my pillar of strength through thick and thin. Thank you for being my shoulder to cry on.
Thank you for looking at me, when I have no lipstick on and my hair's a mess, and saying that I look beautiful. Thank you for talking to me every chance you get, despite it not being easy for someone with as busy a schedule as yours. You shouldn't even be expected to take time out but you always manage to do it.
Thank you for asking me about my day every night. It means a lot to me.
Thank you for always reminding me how much you love me, and thank you for repeating this cycle all over again every day. Thank you for not just being my boyfriend, but my best friend and my soul mate. Thank you, my love. Thank you.
I have no regrets that I am madly, truly in love with a married man. I don't care what people will think. After all, it's my life and my choice. People will have their own level of assumptions and perceptions. So I am least bothered about what they think about me. What I know is that I love him. And I will love him till my last breath.
"Life did not begin with you, but I wish it ends with you, my love. I've committed the crime of loving you, so open the cage of your heart And let me surrender, because I would love to be your prisoner."
The frustrating part is when my cousin tells me, "Why don't you ask him to end his marriage if the two of you are so madly in love? If his marriage isn't successful, why doesn't he leave his wife and settle down with you? Why sacrifice your love for her?" We did decide to give a thought to her suggestion. We had a good, long conversation about ending his marriage, but the idea wouldn't work. We live in a country where men cannot raise their voice against the wrong being meted out to them.
The society is like a pack of hungry wolves ready to devour anyone who strays in an unknown territory. Without a second thought, they would blame him for everything and he'd seem like the man who left his wife for someone else.
Our laws are unfairly biased against men, and even if he were to take that chance at divorce, he'd fall in to a legal mess.
He is decent man, living a normal life, who has a joint family. He has responsibilities, being the earning member in his family. He has a child too, whose future he has to secure. Considering the current situation, they are a happily married couple in the eyes of society. For the sake of his family, his child, he has to compromise and adjust. He can't let his unsuccessful marriage destroy his child's future. In my eyes, he is a very loving father, a responsible son, a supportive brother, a dutiful husband, a caring brother-in-law, and 'an incredible lover'. He was a complete definition of a gentleman.
My dear love, you mean the world to me. Never has someone been so adored and cared for as I am. You have my life a meaning.