Where is the love? In one breath you can make me smile, and in the same, you can take it all away.
Why is it easy to say goodbye over the phone? Why is it not necessary to give an explanation except "We’ve changed"? Why is it easy to say "I love you" and "Forget it" in almost one breath? Why have we not learnt to understand, care, or listen anymore? Whom do we trust? Wasn’t it supposed to be each other? When did life become only about comfort and not about passion and trust? Every other person seems to be jumping, skipping and hopping from person to person, as if the last one who was everything is suddenly now nothing. When did tolerance and patience get exchanged with moving on and hanging up?
“The chase is always what it comes down to,” a friend harshly reminded me.
“It’ll make sense when the right one is standing in front of you,” another one quickly said.
“No. It’s all about giving and taking; both of you have to understand – not only each other, but what your own needs are,” one said wisely, pushing her glasses up her long nose.
“When he makes you smile without being there, when you make him smile from far away. That’s when you will realize it’s love,” another said after one too many cold beers.
“They are all evil. Just be with yourself,” yet another said strongly, her eyes narrowed, her heart still hurting. I sighed.
“Nobody said it was easy, nobody said it would be so hard…,” someone sang on my iTunes shuffle list. I wanted to bang my head on the table. When did everything become black or white when it came to love?
Did I grow up wrong and unprepared for a generation where fairy tales are merely Pixar or Disney animations re-done? Was my Prince Charming never going to show up? And was I just going to meet a string of boys who just stayed for convenience and left when it became too difficult? Does no one believe anymore?
“It’s only because I am not with you, that I can’t show you how much I care.” You were so convincing on the phone, you made me believe that if otherwise, we would have been perfect. I agreed to every word, hanging on, hope after hope, that your next line would be, “But you know, it’s us… we’ll work.” But that never came. I cried a little, this is becoming more of a habit now.
We hung up, promising to be the best of friends, so on and so forth… “This is what we need,” you made me believe, “This is what will help us.” With all the right words, you hung up, and I went to bed quietly.
“Wait. What?” I sat up. Looking at all the books that I have collected over time, I glared at the fairy tales that I once used to spend hours poring over. “So, true love is nothing?”
With fire coming out of my mouth and steam out of my nose, I called you.
“When I love someone,” I started, “It’s not the situation or the time which is wrong, not right now and not when we are together…,” it’s about me, loving you. It’s just that simple for me. It’s about me showing you in all the ways that I can, whether we are countries away, cities away, or even lanes away… it’s about me showing you whenever I possibly can, that I love you. I love you from the deepest part of my heart and soul.
And no, it doesn’t mean that every second of my day will be spent in calling and texting you, sending you long emails, and waiting for you to come on Skype. It’s in the little things, the way I miss you when I’m dancing far away when your favorite song plays. It’s when I am eating with family, and someone orders exactly what you would have, and making me blush. It’s about going to the gym and knowing that you are my only motivation to run faster. It’s about my morning coffee that will only be served in the mug that you gave me. It’s about watching the trailer of a new movie and wondering if you and I can manage to watch it together.
I took a breath, you were about to say something, I stopped you, “I’m not done."
You need to know that when you say 'I Love You' it actually means a lot more than just three simple words that need to be said in every relationship… I Love You, it means something, it connects us, our souls. It’s a message from your soul to your heart, from your heart to my heart, from my heart to my soul, that you love me, that I am special, I am everything, our search for each other is over.
"Now you listen to me. I can’t be in this grey area with you. I can’t be your friend. I always took you to be my lover, my best friend, my mentor, my everything.
So listen to me… I am telling you this once, just one last time, I can’t be in this grey area… Either I am everything to you, or nothing. I know you believe that if you go today, you will come back for me one day. But by then, I would have forgotten what love is. I love you.
I Love You."
But don’t you dare say it till you believe in every syllable of those words. I took a deep breath and slowly let it out. I didn’t hear anything, I checked my phone, did you hang up on me? No, the phone was still on. I hear you let out a long breath.
“Now will you listen to me?” you said softly, calmly, I think I sensed a smile in your voice. “Yes,” I murmured.
“No one has, will or can love me the way you have given me your love. You have done things for me that not only make me smile, but sometimes makes me sad, because I can’t do all that for you. I am not creative, I don’t like writing long emails, I don’t know what is the right thing to say, or what is inappropriate to say. I don’t know how to make you believe that what I feel for you is true. I don’t know how to make you look into my eyes so you can see that what I say is true. I don’t know how to not miss you each second of my day. I don’t know how to stop myself from thinking about you every time I’m at work, or I’m talking to someone. I don’t know how to separate my soul from yours just enough so that I am not dreaming about you, and us, every second of my day. You are perfect. You are my everything. And you fool, I love you. I have loved you from the very beginning, but I am doing nothing but making you cry day after day, and I hate myself for this.
I want to be your Prince Charming. I want no one else but me to get your emails. I don’t want anyone else occupying your thoughts, your beautiful thoughts except me.”
It was his turn to take a deep breath, and mine to wait, in shock. “It is the distance that is killing us. It is the distance that is making us miserable. But I know the idea of not having you in my life is enough to destroy me. I am addicted to you. Do you even know what that means?”
And just like that, my faith in love was restored. I knew that this was not the last of our fights, and I knew that there will be many more nights when I'd want to let you go and live a strong life where love didn’t exist. But then again, if I think about a life without your fights, that would mean a life without your love too.
Who could be ready for that?
Was this the villain in my fairy tale? Is our story still being written? Do we have more challenges to face before my Prince comes to take his waiting Princess to their White Castle?
“There’s only one thing for us to do now. Believe and wait,” I said slowly. “I love you,” we said together.