Like someone has very rightly said, "You fight for what you lack most." I fought for love, love of some kind, love of a girl, love of a mother, dad's love.

Since I don't have mom and dad with me anymore I had no way but to compensate for their love from a girl. And I did work that way ever since I was 14 and God knows how many times it was a mugshot. But with all the experiences, I learnt that you just can't build up your expectations and expect the same feelings from another person.

You've got to face what's before you and accept what's behind you. Some people call that facing their own reality, their own perspective and by the age of 18 this lesson brought some kind of a balance in my life.

Accepting facts is never easy but once you do you'll learn to live on top of your demons, which implicitly exist forever.
But I don't know, one day I just saw a girl and a prima facie case was that I felt she's the one, and I go for chivalry while guys in my age choose flirting.

The girl I saw that day was the girl I used to see every day in my 9th and 10th grade but I never fell for her. And it was a surprise that all of a sudden I saw someone who I had known for a long time but hadn't seen like that. I could imagine myself standing on my knees before her that I never thought I'd do for anyone but I realized whichever side you maybe standing, life has a way of showing you the other side. 

And next thing I know there was a playlist with all my feel good love songs and my notebooks with her name in the corners of every page. I was talking to her everyday and we did go for some walks. This closeness just made me look deep into her personality that made me fall for her even more. I just couldn't help but express my feelings for her.

She walked away for the moment and the next day I met her, she was quiet but I didn't want to force her. I believe it's a way of infringing on one's freedom. So I kept quiet but I just couldn't hide those feelings apparently, she just blushed and did her work.

I got tired of hiding my feelings finally and asked her for clarity. She got furious and said, "Here's the clarity idiot, I had a boyfriend and we were really serious but he cheated on me and dumped me, and I believe you are nothing special." Just like that she spat the frustration and went away.

That's it, no talks, empty conversations for about 3 months. But in the meanwhile we got some mutual friends who said that she was kind of psychotic and bad and high maintenance kinds, which is the truth but I was surprised at the fact that I still loved her, so much that I said to those friends, "I don't care and I'm not the righteous man you think I am." I grew up in that moment and realized my love for her was unconditional.

We started talking again and I never mentioned anything about my feelings. We got along well. One day she asked me if I still loved her, I replied saying, "I always will." And gauged the courage to say that I didn't care anymore if she felt the love or not and I sure as hell didn't care if she loved me back. 

All I wanted was to be in love with her. Have the freedom to be in love with her. 

She dropped her purse and hugged me tightly. I just couldn't help giving it back, even tighter. But at the end of it she said that she won't be able to love me the way I love her and asked me to leave. I left, in a dilemma.

You see there are people who want to love and who want to be feel loved. But the one thing I know about her is that she ain't like them, she's one of a kind. She wants to be loved but chooses to put an end to it. She's the kind I once was. 

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